I Could Really Use A Magic 8 Ball Right About Now.

Soooo....I haven't written anything in a while.

Why's that you ask?!

Well, I've been busy introverting and avoiding my feelings like a mother-fucker... 

that's why.

Have you ever just been so deep in a "life rut" that you can't possibly see a way out?  No foot-hold. No thread which could serve as a life line?  Furthermore, you are so intrenched that you can't even muster the will to dig your way out?!  Self-preservation seems to have abandoned you.  If someone were to break you open, you honestly don't know what would come pouring out but your biggest fear is that nothing would.  You've spent so much time in this state-of-being, you feel hollow.  You sometimes pray for hurt, sadness, maybe even despair:  Anything just so you know you still have the capacity to feel.  I think that is the worst sort of feeling...nothing. I hate that state of when you really don't have any emotion. You're not happy, you're not really sad, you're just simply nothing.

Your mind is in complete chaos, but your heart is completely apathetic.

In less than 24 hours, I will experience yet another profound life event.  You know those moments I'm talking about...moments in which you realize nothing will ever be the same, and Time is decidedly divided into two parts:  before this & after this.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I know I should feel sadness.  I know I should feel a degree of fear.  I know I should feel an amount of relief.  But, when I look inward, when I attempt to focus on what I'm feeling, all I feel is a void. 

That can't be good.

I've been feeling this way for quite a while now, and it's time I confront the situation in hopes of achieving internal resolution because, God knows, I will be receiving a different type of resolution tomorrow...whether I want it or not.  I knew the countdown had begun, but I had no idea of the time frame I was given...you know the clock is ticking but you can't see the timer.  I knew the end-game, what the end-result would be, but it always remained this abstract thought, one set to come to fruition sometime in some distant future.  Maybe that's why I never gave it my full attention, I never truly invested in my emotions. I never truly dealt with them accordingly.  I didn't experience them in a healthy way, the way they are meant to be experienced, but instead just compartmentalized too much.  Fuck, who knows...I certainly still don't.

I feel like such a tit though.  I have so much to be grateful for...so much to be happy about.  I'm healthy-ish.  My family is amazing.  I have a home & food & a job.  I have a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter who loves and adores me.  I have loyal friends who genuinely care for my well-being.  So what's the problem?

FUCK I DON'T KNOW!!!  AAARGH....

Jesus Rollerblading Christ, I need to pull my head out of my ass.  Half of me says: "Just focus on the good, the bad will work out in due time."  The other half says: "No, stop avoiding.  Deal with this shit.  Work through your emotions in a healthy, constructive way."  My two halves can be real assholes.

I need an answer and I need it now.  I can't keep living this way.  I thought I was doing better.  I thought that I was on my way to getting back to the before this me.  I now know that was a farce.  I've been lying to myself and I'm tired of this charade because it's taken its toll.  Relationships I have with friends & family have been impacted...my daughter has been impacted and that is unacceptable.  I am just so God-damned unhappy and its bleeding into my relationships.  The eventuality of tomorrow's events have stripped all the illusions I had created away.  It has brought everything to the forefront and I am ill equipped & unable to process it all.  I need help...the one thing I rarely ask for.  But...

How do you ask for help when you don't know what you truly need?

 

I Need A Minute...Fan-Girling In Progress

So if you are anything like me, you look forward to the holiday movie season every year.  I haven't really been impressed with "summer movies" this year, so I'm hoping "holiday movies" will pick up the slack.

And, if we have any chance of being friends, you are eagerly anticipating Thor 2 coming out in November just like I am.  It's ok to admit it...you're a nerd like me :)

I can honestly say I have enjoyed *most* Marvel movies...

Iron Man(s): RDJ is hilarious.  Kills it every time.
Captain America: Chris Evans & spandex. Enough said.
The Hulk: *no comment*
Thor: Natalie Portman?  Really?
The Avengers:  Loki has made me question my morals, like as in:  "Are they even working anymore because I'm strangely attracted/sympathetic to the villain...not heroes?"

Speaking of Loki...can we just take a moment to appreciate the awesomeness that is Tom Hiddleston?!?!

Did you all hear about his surprise appearance at ComicCon this year and how everyone lost their damn minds when he took over the panel for Thor 2?!  

Cosplay of the Century

The fans know what's up...

Loki in Thor was totally under-appreciated, most people didn't think him a strong enough villain; Kind of forgettable even.  But, when The Avengers came out...Tom's notoriety skyrocketed and, the Loki/Hiddleston fandom was born.  

The accuracy of this meme is pretty sad, actually

Where's mother-fuckin' Samuel L. Jackson?

He is the unofficial "King of Tumblr" people!  Execs added more Loki scenes to Thor 2 which, in-turn, caused a virtual fandom riot & everyone lost their shit because they thought that it would push back the movie's release date.

Tom is not the only one....this *Holy Hotness* British invasion happening within the movie industry is getting a little out of hand.

Maybe that's why the British aren't really sore about losing the war to us anymore...

They are making up for it by stealing the hearts of America's women.

Exhibits A, B, C & D-L:

Tom Hardy

'ello poppet.

Benedict Cumberbatch

I'm pretty sure his cheekbones have their own fan following...and Twitter account.

Henry Cavill

Just gratuitous man flesh.

The Entire Male Harry Potter Cast

Making puberty their bitch since....ever.

And so on, and so on, and so on.....

I have not been immune to their accented siren song and their tea-drinking wiles.  But, Hiddleston, by far, surpasses all other Brits in winning my heart and *figuratively* destroying my ovaries.

He's a life ruiner:  

Constantly sits like a whore: 

Been known to thumb wrestle autograph seeking fans:

A guy once tweeted him asking for soup because it was cold waiting in the press line at the BAFTAs.  That bastard showed up with tomato soup for the journalist:

Guy's a gentleman who believes in chivalry & quotes Shakespeare & shit:

And, let's not forget he got this line into a PG-13 movie:

So I've come to this conclusion:

So this really isn't a blog-blog; It's more like a pseudo-blog.  

OK....It's really the shameless exhibition of a man who makes me want to write god damn sonnets & who'd I bang like a screen door during a hurricane.

So for your *my* viewing pleasure:

Ugh....

Even inanimate poster females are drawn like a moth to a flame.

Stupid perfect bone structure.

OH, GATES!  Silly me.  I thought you said legs...

Just a little neck porn.

What am I doing with my life...

Black & White makes everyone look good, but this is just ridiculous. 

So Tom...you need to pipe the fuck down in order to give the rest of the male population a fighting chance.

Or not...

*All photos, memes & gifs are not my work*

*They were collected via Pinterest, Tumblr, or Google Images*

Morning Conversations with my 4 year-old

Getting my daughter dressed in the mornings is becoming quite the battle.  She has really started asserting herself in regards to her style.  Ultimately I still have veto power, but most days I don't really care...


This happened the other morning:

My daughter: *running into the room* "I'm ready...found my shoes so I'm ready to go."

Me: *seeing her outfit* "Ummm....'Nice sock-sandal combination,' said no one ever.  Lose the socks."

My daughter: *laughing* "But it's funny."

Me:  "Yeah, it's totally hilarious you thinking I will let you out of this house wearing socks & sandals.  Socks....Off."

My daughter:  "No it's funny because Hello Kitty's face is right in the hole.  It's like my shoes are rockets and she's flying to the moon!  Oh, Oh!  Flying to the moon to get ice cream."

Me: *looking confused*

My daughter:  "You know, the shoes have lights on them....and so do rocket ships."

Me:  "Uh, yeah.  OR  it's like Hello Kitty is incarcerated.  Doin' a nickel up in Sing Sing."

My daughter:  *looking confused*

Me:  "Jail...it looks like she's in jail."

My daughter:  "YES...she stole a bunch of apples because her doggie loves to eat apples before they go to the park to play with a slip & slide and then blow bubbles.  The doggie loves bubbles just like I do.  Can we get a caterpillar?"

Me:  "If I say yes to the sock-sandal combo, can we just forget everything you just said because I honestly have no clue how to respond...and no caterpillar."


And that's how my daughter ended up leaving the house in socks and sandals with my blessing.

She is convinced the lights make her run faster.