Saying Goodbye

About a week after my daughter and I returned from a fantastic trip to California, I got "the call" from my mom.  My grandmother had passed away.

I returned from Colorado last night but I feel like my mind/heart/soul are still there.

I wrote about my grandmother last year (you can read it here), wrote about how her health was in a steady decline.  Even though she wasn't the picture of health, it was so very sudden.  The night before her death, she was fine.  The following morning, she went almost catatonic.  My mom sat with her for hours, and it wasn't until she left to grab food that my grandmother passed.  I think the family is all still in a state of shock.  Poor health or not, we were not prepared.

I'm still sort of disconnected.  The blur of the last few days, the "thank you's," and the countless condolences are still so overwhelming.  My family really pulled together, as little in number as we are.  We shared stories, laughter, and tears.  Goodbyes are never easy.

Now that family has left town, the ones that remain...my mother, uncle, aunt & cousin...are left to deal with any remaining details.  I wish I could have stayed longer.  I wish I could be there to share in the responsibilities to lessen the weight, but life doesn't stop because you're having a rough go of it.

My grandmother was an amazing woman.  You always knew what she thought and where you stood.  She was feisty, driven, bold, & fearless.  She wasn't perfect, but she loved her family ardently.

Her death was a profound shock to my system, in more ways than the obvious.  I realized how self-absorbed I can be at times.  How I've wasted so much time.  Allocating my attention to dumb shit instead of to what's really important.  I owe it to myself, and those around me, to do better.  To stop making excuses and make things happen.  To step outside myself even if it is uncomfortable or inconvenient.  I've always prided myself in the fact that I'm not a selfish person.  However, I'm finding that I've been lying to myself...in some respects.  It is unfortunate that it took my grandmother's death to give me a wake-up call, and I feel shame and regret most deeply.  I know I have to change and, my God, how I hate change.  I'm a lot like my grandmother in the respect of being a bit of a control freak, and that extends, in a way, to my daily schedule.  Its hard to articulate, but when my daily routine changes, I get anxious, grumpy, and all around out-of-sorts.  I think that is my reaction to not being in control.

I will do better.  It might be baby steps, little changes done daily, but I am committed to building a better life that will feed my soul instead of draining it.

I Was Just On Sabatacle? Yeah, Let's Go With That

Wow, it's been almost a year since my last blog post...

That totally sounds like some quasi-Catholic confessional opener

I don't have a good reason to explain why I haven't maintained this blog or contributed more regular blog posts, I just don't.  But, last night, out of nowhere, I starting thinking about this blog.  I realized that it had been forever since I wrote anything, and that got me thinking about other things as well.  I remembered that I read somewhere that most blogs were abandoned after 180 days...or something like that.  I guess I can add my name to the list which made that statistic true.  whoopsie.  It got me thinking how I miss the writing, miss the outpouring of my thoughts, miss the funny gif-filled posts, etc.  It got me thinking that I need to resurrect this thing, and recommit to doing better because

I just plain miss it.

A lot has transpired since January.

A lot hasn't transpired since January.

Still work at the same place with my crazy family.  Still have the same amazing friends.  Still have the best daughter in the history of daughters.  All in all, not much has changed with my day-to-day life.  That is both good and bad I guess.

The divorce is good & final & behind me, well most aspects anyway.  Child support was finally settled and is now being regulated...thank Christ.  I still see him every other week when my daughter goes to visit for the weekend.  To be honest, sometimes I wish I didn't have to see him that often.  Its not pleasant for me, but it means my daughter gets more time with him so I will just have to deal.  We are slowly getting into a comfortable truce-like relationship.  I have hope that a form of friendship will grow because I feel that is the best-case scenario for all three of us.

My kid started Kindergarten this past August.  I was no where emotionally prepared.  I cried daily for weeks after dropping her off.  She loves it and is prospering...thinks water fountains and the cafeteria are amazing.

I don't have the heart to tell her about all the germs and mystery meat yet.

  

I couldn't be happier for her, but it is so bittersweet.  It is a milestone that has marked not only a new beginning, but also an end.  She continues to grow & evolve & flourish.  She is not my baby anymore and some days I don't handle that truth well.

Still single.  Not one single, solitary date...well maybe one, but I'm not entirely convinced it was a legit date.  I'm still trying to work that one out.  I'm good with it though.  Yes of course I have felt lonely at times.  I've wished to have a little companionship or an adult night out.  I miss the kissing, hugs, conversations, butterflies, and meaningful looks.  I miss that sappy shit.  However, I don't miss it enough to just go out with anything possessing a penis & a low-level of interest.  It will happen, at some point, I'm sure of it.

My daughter and I just got home from spending 8 days in California.  My best friend and her family finally came back to the states.  It did my soul good to see her, even I had no idea how beneficial it would be.  She is the truest friend I have ever had and now that she is state-side, I will be making every effort I can to visit more often.

The new year is right around the corner.  This year has been nothing but a blur.  It was full of good happenings, shit storms, anger-laced rants, tears, laughs, discoveries, beginnings & ends.

2015 is gonna kick ass...I have good feeling about it.