Rants Make the World Go 'Round

I want to talk about rants.  God I love them.  Whether you call it ranting or venting or catharsis, they feel good.  They're good for the soul.  They're good for our mental/emotional well-being as well.

Something really pisses you off?  Rant.

Somebody really irritates you? Rant.

You want to change the status quo but feel too small to do anything?

Rant that shit out…but probably not on some street corner with a bull-horn because you need permits & stuff & if you don't have those you end up in jail recovering from pepper spray exposure & then you leave with a court date, imminent criminal record, and a feeling of violation.


Today's rant is about assholes.  Yeah, those guys.  We all, at some point, have had dealings with an asshole OR have been that asshole to someone else.

Assholes make me feel really ragey…

You try to avoid them, try being the operative word, but we all know its inevitable.  Owning my own business has put me in the line of fire many times.

Because customers are never assholes and are always right.

Whatever…I knew when I started my business that I would have to deal with people.  I knew it wasn't always going to be awesome and enjoyable.  I knew it wasn't going to be sugary goodness & rainbows & puppies & the melodic sound of Tom Hiddleston's laugh.  I did not have unrealistic expectations.  I have worked with the public before.

That is probably why I hate people so much.

Bartending will do that to a person.

I'm not the only small business/self-employer who has had bouts with asshole customers.  Quite a few of my friends have home-based businesses and we all swap stories.  I had a recent order that really pissed me off.  Still a bit sore about it actually.  Anyway…I was reminded of a conversation I had with one of my friends concerning this issue.  And, seeing as I don't delete my Facebook messages regularly, I was able to screen-shot it.  I have included this because it is an actual, true account of problems so many of us self-employed face on a daily basis. It serves as a visual truth…asshole customers effect us more negatively than they might know/care.

*I have poorly edited the pictures. Sorry not sorry.*

What makes these types of interactions worse, is some form of relationship.  Friendships, fledgling or life-long, family members, work colleagues all complicate matters.  I'm not saying that us small business owners need to handled with kid gloves…I'm saying that you cannot take advantage of us for our small-scale operations or exploit our personal relationships.

AND

Most of us start these businesses out of passion.  My friend loves photography.  Not just capturing sunsets and shit but capturing lives and immortalizing those moments through plays of light and scenic support.  Memories are fallible.  Photographs allow us to revisit, reminisce.  

I love food.  I bake because there is nothing more beautiful than moments spent in good company sharing good food and drink.  I bake because it brings me happiness knowing that my cake, or whatever, will bring people together, it will be shared, it will be apart of someone's "moment."  A moment that might stay with them for years.  So in some small way, I might be bettering a person's night/day/week.

Another friend sells customized jewelry.  She loves fashion and has awesome style.  She facilitates beautiful jewelry which, when worn, has the power to be uplifting.  This jewelry can be conversation starters. It can be a catalyst to brokering new friendships or other types of relationships.  Plus, beautiful jewelry just makes you feel pretty and boosting self-esteem is never not a good thing.

So look at it from this angle…next time you patronize a small business or direct sales consultant or whatever and you try to overstep because you think you have the right due to our small stature, "hey, its not like this is Target or somewhere," just know that doing that…exploiting us...is like taking a big, giant asshole shit all over our art/passion/hard work/time spent away from kids/time spent not sleeping.

I Disappeared Again Didn't I?!

Shit!

Where the hell did October go?  I have a pretty demanding schedule, but it was out of control last month.  I fear that the rest of the year will go just as quickly...it always does around the holidays.

So I guess a little catch-up is in order right?!

My kid is still awesome.

Well, I'm still not divorced.  I guess technically I am...maybe.  We went to court and the 30 day window following our court date has lapsed but the paperwork has not been filed.  So who knows because I certainly don't.

I've been getting dessert orders.  Not as many as I would like, but enough to keep me busy-ish.

I became an aunt.  I'm pretty stoked.  My nephew is perfect & healthy & beautiful & keeping my brother up all night....and that makes me giggle.

My day job is slowly crushing my soul.  There's nothing like working for the family business...

My car hates me.  

I've managed to piss off an old friend.  Sorry not sorry.

I went out on a limb for another friend and when it didn't work out the way she wanted, she made some shitty comments and pissed me off.

I'm about to embark on an epic family road trip for Thanksgiving.  One I am not above slashing my own tires to get out of.

I'm hopeless addicted to Tumblr.

I had another birthday.

I'm not crying all the time anymore.  I still have moments, but they are not as frequent.

I'm adjusting to life as a single woman and finding that it is just as beautiful and just as full of opportunity.


I'm still grieving.  I still struggle.  I'm lonely sometimes & still have sense of being lost.  But, its getting better.  Minute to minute, day by day.  I continue to fight, to push, to overcome.  I will not let my loss be my undoing.  I refuse to quit.

I Could Really Use A Magic 8 Ball Right About Now.

Soooo....I haven't written anything in a while.

Why's that you ask?!

Well, I've been busy introverting and avoiding my feelings like a mother-fucker... 

that's why.

Have you ever just been so deep in a "life rut" that you can't possibly see a way out?  No foot-hold. No thread which could serve as a life line?  Furthermore, you are so intrenched that you can't even muster the will to dig your way out?!  Self-preservation seems to have abandoned you.  If someone were to break you open, you honestly don't know what would come pouring out but your biggest fear is that nothing would.  You've spent so much time in this state-of-being, you feel hollow.  You sometimes pray for hurt, sadness, maybe even despair:  Anything just so you know you still have the capacity to feel.  I think that is the worst sort of feeling...nothing. I hate that state of when you really don't have any emotion. You're not happy, you're not really sad, you're just simply nothing.

Your mind is in complete chaos, but your heart is completely apathetic.

In less than 24 hours, I will experience yet another profound life event.  You know those moments I'm talking about...moments in which you realize nothing will ever be the same, and Time is decidedly divided into two parts:  before this & after this.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I know I should feel sadness.  I know I should feel a degree of fear.  I know I should feel an amount of relief.  But, when I look inward, when I attempt to focus on what I'm feeling, all I feel is a void. 

That can't be good.

I've been feeling this way for quite a while now, and it's time I confront the situation in hopes of achieving internal resolution because, God knows, I will be receiving a different type of resolution tomorrow...whether I want it or not.  I knew the countdown had begun, but I had no idea of the time frame I was given...you know the clock is ticking but you can't see the timer.  I knew the end-game, what the end-result would be, but it always remained this abstract thought, one set to come to fruition sometime in some distant future.  Maybe that's why I never gave it my full attention, I never truly invested in my emotions. I never truly dealt with them accordingly.  I didn't experience them in a healthy way, the way they are meant to be experienced, but instead just compartmentalized too much.  Fuck, who knows...I certainly still don't.

I feel like such a tit though.  I have so much to be grateful for...so much to be happy about.  I'm healthy-ish.  My family is amazing.  I have a home & food & a job.  I have a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter who loves and adores me.  I have loyal friends who genuinely care for my well-being.  So what's the problem?

FUCK I DON'T KNOW!!!  AAARGH....

Jesus Rollerblading Christ, I need to pull my head out of my ass.  Half of me says: "Just focus on the good, the bad will work out in due time."  The other half says: "No, stop avoiding.  Deal with this shit.  Work through your emotions in a healthy, constructive way."  My two halves can be real assholes.

I need an answer and I need it now.  I can't keep living this way.  I thought I was doing better.  I thought that I was on my way to getting back to the before this me.  I now know that was a farce.  I've been lying to myself and I'm tired of this charade because it's taken its toll.  Relationships I have with friends & family have been impacted...my daughter has been impacted and that is unacceptable.  I am just so God-damned unhappy and its bleeding into my relationships.  The eventuality of tomorrow's events have stripped all the illusions I had created away.  It has brought everything to the forefront and I am ill equipped & unable to process it all.  I need help...the one thing I rarely ask for.  But...

How do you ask for help when you don't know what you truly need?