I have absolutely no idea why I am here on Earth. I've spent the last 30 something years trying to figure that out, and I bet I will still not know the reason, definitively, 30 years from now.
The only thing that I do know for certain is that I should love all, trust a few, and wrong none. Oh....and, always leave people better than I found them.
Considering the short length of this post, I decided to share this gif with you as recompense. You're welcome.
I think the situation directly influences my reaction to either success or failure, I do not have a default setting when it comes to those two. I mean, I could narrate a couple of recent examples because my reaction always differs due to the level of any given success/failure, emotional investment, relationship levels, etc.
Exhibit A: Starting college.......again I had been toying around with the idea of starting back for years, to be honest. I had made every excuse in the book for not doing it, got really creative too. Then, randomly, one day I just did it. I went online and requested transcripts and started the process. I don't know what prompted me to fill out the application for readmission. I guess, maybe, I just reached the "ah, fuck it" level. I was accepted, financial aid has been submitted, and I've been assigned an adviser. The next step is actually enrolling...which will probably happen next week, I have to wait until my FASFA arrives at the university to move forward. This time around, I'm going in a completely different direction, major wise. I'm smart. I don't say that in an egotistical way, I just know my strengths. I've always been an engineering major due to an aptitude & the career stability aspect. I'm good at math. I'm a good chemist. Chemical engineering was a logical choice. But, I always got bored. Don't get me wrong, I love blowing shit up in Chem lab. That was never boring. I think its because that stuff is just easy for me, for the most part. This time I'm going for a non-science major that I have a personal connection too. I'm excited to see how this plays out. I'm a bit scared because it is so different and is something I normally wouldn't do because its not safe and financially viable. Considering all that, I still have a sense of peace about me. I'm finally doing something I've been talking about doing for so long so I feel taking the steps to re-enroll, as well as making the decision to major in something I have a real passion for, is a major success. I've successfully overcome my lame-ass excuses and fear. I'm starting to live the life I've wanted and feeling good about the direction its taking. I'm still experiencing a bit of freak-out and anxiety from time to time, but overall I'm embracing the turn...just going to deal one day at a time & trust in myself because I do anything I set my mind to. Annnnnd....having my kid along this time, makes it perfect.
College Life
Exhibit B: Still a doormat
Yep. Still letting people walk all over me. I truly believe some part of me will always be a doormat. I've spent so many years allowing people to use me that I've essentially taught them that its OK to mistreat me, that I come second. I've failed to be more assertive. Failed to set healthy boundaries befitting a strong sense of self-worth. Its dumb...I know. I'm amazing but I don't always remember that little nugget of truth. I seriously want to kick my own ass, like all time. It would not be a lie saying I'm working on it because I am, it is slow going but it is all part of the process to regress occasionally.
I've stood up to family, friends, and my ex husband. But, I've also bit my tongue and stayed silent far more often. That's what needs to change. I'm not a fan of confrontation, I avoid it diligently. But, not all confrontation is unhealthy. Sometimes it is more unhealthy to bottle. I always feel terrible after a situation passes where I should have stood up for myself. My self-esteem takes a hit and it takes a while until I recover. I have loving, supportive friends and family members who I lean on...even if they don't know they're helping me, they have never abandoned me.
Something I Planned That Turned Out Not As Expected...
My mind is kind of a jumbled mess right now...so this post, more than likely, will be equally as jumbled, and maybe a touch messy. My mom is down visiting, she arrived last week. There is some turmoil happening for her back in Colorado and she is using this visit as an opportunity to make a plan. Supporting her right now, volunteering to be someone she can lean on is something I gladly & readily do...but seeing her emotional and low is really hurting my heart. My daughter turns six on Thursday. A joyous day that is starting to be overshadowed by the multitude of tasks needing accomplishing by Saturday...the day we are having the actual party. Last minute cancellations, flaky friends/family members, and my father pressuring me to host participate in a second party/BBQ at his house later that day are really testing my patience.
Annnnd, I'm pretty sure my period is on its way so that always ups the emotional-hunger level to Bat-Shit Crazy.
Time of month tiger memes are 100% accurate
On top of all the other crazy that is my life right now, and there is more than I mentioned above, I got my heart broken this weekend. Welllll, that might be over doing it a bit...a more accurate description might be that my heart got tased by a mid-level, girly, pink taser with jewels and a tassel. I saw it coming, I can admit that. Doesn't make it easier though. I saw signs but choose not to address it or just straight ignored them. That was a mistake, one I keep repeating. A mistake I've been making since I started dating in my teens. Being aware of my inability to approach new "relationships" cautiously, I planned on doing things differently post-divorce. I did really well in the beginning. I went out with 5 guys and never once over invested. I paid close attention to their actions as well as what came out of their mouths.
**For example, this one guy, hottest guy I've ever gone out with (still makes me audibly sigh when I think about him), tried to play me, and let me tell you, his date game was strong. He had perfected that, "I'm a good guy beneath this bad boy exterior" thing. That's like girl kryptonite, to be honest, and any girl who says she's not effected by those guys are either a liar or a socialist. This dude was like a dating chameleon, oozing charm and persuasion...he became what ever he needed to be in order to bed his intended target. In the time it took me to drink one beer, I learned his game. Homeboy had a girlfriend back home and was just sport fucking girls out of boredom or loneliness or because he's a truly terrible person.
Guy #6 came out of nowhere, literally, he's the subject of my spontaneity post. Everything about our interaction was so different than anything I've ever done in my life, he is the antithesis of every guy I've ever gone out with. Maybe that is why everything went to Hell in a hand basket. He kept me off-balance which resulted in me abandoning my own rules and initial plan. Our time together was brief, 6 weeks or so, but damn...it left one hell of a mark. I came across a quote by Hemingway a long time ago and it has stuck with me all these years...maybe because I turn to writing when I can't make sense of people or the world or the thoughts in my head. So after this weekend, I'm going to write about Guy #6 and the mess that resulted when my heart decided to go off-script.
I revisit the night I met Guy #6 and still feel a smile spread across my face. Even after everything, I know my reaction to that memory will never change. Like I said in my other post, I knew this was going to be a great date pretty early on. Him and I both found ourselves making excuses to causally touch. A hand on the arm as you lean to speak. Grabbing my thigh after making a joke or playful teasing. Brushing popcorn off a shoulder...part of the fun of the production was throwing popcorn at each other and the actors on stage. After the show we went to a nearby bar for a couple of drinks. It was there, standing by the bar he pulled me in and kissed me. No warning. Without permission. Just took it like it was his all along. And, it was then that the world seemed to crack open. It was like a scene out of a goddamn movie where the background and people blurred, accompanied by some cheesy power ballad. It was the type of kiss love songs and fucking sonnets are written about. He kissed me like he was drowning and I was air. *Embellishment might have been added to this account* We couldn't keep our hands off each other the rest of the night, not in a gross, obscene PDA way, but in a tangible, inability to break contact sort of way. A man actually pulled me aside and made a comment about the way we, or me...I can't remember, looked at one another. I awkwardly laughed the man's comment off but can't help but wonder what he saw when he looked at Guy #6 and I...what would make a complete stranger say something like that to two other complete strangers, booze fueled or not. I didn't "go home" with him that night, but I did see him the following night and multiple times after that.
Everything was extremes with him. The highs were epic. He had this inherent sense of what I wanted from him without prompting...that or he just made decisions based off his own wants and they happened to align with mine. He never asked, he just took. The effect he had on me was truly seductive and I grew to crave it. His touch was fire, igniting my senses to a point where I thought I might break apart. His eyes had this look in them, a mischievous glint that you knew promised a bit of sting, but you welcomed it because you knew the pleasure would supersede the pain. I've never experienced anything quite like it, and I'm sure I never will again. I grew to covet the feel of his arms around me, the resonance of his laugh, a smile that always elicited a smile of my own, and the way he made me push past personal boundaries. I guess you could say I was "in lust" with him and won't argue with you. What was different about this is hard to articulate...maybe I should think of a metaphor or something. The way I feel felt was unfamiliar. The intensity was off-putting and I didn't understand any of it. Feeling this way after so little time scared the shit out of me. I mean come on, that is crazy...feeling that way...it is fucking nuts and needed to cease and desist. But, at the time I didn't care.
He was the prettiest hell I've ever been in and I didn't mind burning at all.
The lows were brutal. Confusion. Despondence. Anger. Whether is was self-induced or not, I felt all of it and then some. The emotional whiplash was doing a number on my heart and dignity. A friend asked me why I put up with it...why I stuck it out if I wasn't receiving the treatment I wanted & deserved. Honestly, I shouldn't have. We barely knew each other and there was little investing taking place. I should have walked away the moment I started getting weird vibes or at least spoke up about what was causing displeasure. I know all that, but there were moments when he seemed to soften and allowed me a peek behind the curtain. He started to open up and share a little, started to invite me into aspects of his world a bit. But just as quickly, he pushed me out like an unwanted trespasser. The push-pull was torturous.
Lying in the crook of his arm, his skin warming the side of my face, while he scrolled through his Facebook news feed Sunday morning, I was listening to the staccato sound of his heartbeat when it hit me. My heart sank as I realized how much I wanted him, wanted moments like this. I realized somewhere along the way, the plan I had carefully constructed, had been scrapped...I had totally blown it. It didn't matter what his past was, no matter what he had done, no matter how many had come before me, he moved me chemically more than anyone I had ever met, that all others seemed to pale in comparison. I knew I didn't want a full-on relationship, but I was invested and didn't want to stagnate, trapped in some physical relationship bumpin' uglies until we got bored. I didn't need to put a label on it or for him to make some grand, public declaration either. So I gathered my courage and, being the mature adult I am, I asked the question I had been too afraid to ask via text message, I know, I know. Don't judge. Wide open and vulnerable, I waited for him to answer, waited all day. His response was not the one I wanted to hear. He told me he didn't know what he wanted...
but we all know what that really means.
The feelings I have had defied all logic and reason. I question my sanity, repeatedly. It was crazy, but maybe...just maybe, it was the right kind of crazy. The type of crazy I needed to experience & feel just once. I got lost in the euphoria, true, but I never lost sight of what I truly wanted. I wasn't going to compromise what I wanted for tangled sheets and kiss-swollen lips. I could have handled that last Sunday differently, and given the opportunity for a do-over, I know I would do just that. But, that's the truly tragic thing...you never think the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. Just as I got used to feeling like I was wanted, he took it away. Like it wasn't mine to have, like he gave it to me by mistake. Guy #6 gave me something some people go a lifetime never experiencing. Passion. Heat. Unbridled & consuming. I do not desire mediocre, I want to drown in someone. His rejection and my feeling of defeat is raw and sharp right now, but I don't regret a single minute spent with him. You always run the risk that things won't play out the way you want them to. Maybe it won't work out, but maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.
