How I Deal With Both Success & Failure...
I think the situation directly influences my reaction to either success or failure, I do not have a default setting when it comes to those two. I mean, I could narrate a couple of recent examples because my reaction always differs due to the level of any given success/failure, emotional investment, relationship levels, etc.
Exhibit A: Starting college.......again
I had been toying around with the idea of starting back for years, to be honest. I had made every excuse in the book for not doing it, got really creative too. Then, randomly, one day I just did it. I went online and requested transcripts and started the process. I don't know what prompted me to fill out the application for readmission. I guess, maybe, I just reached the "ah, fuck it" level. I was accepted, financial aid has been submitted, and I've been assigned an adviser. The next step is actually enrolling...which will probably happen next week, I have to wait until my FASFA arrives at the university to move forward.
This time around, I'm going in a completely different direction, major wise. I'm smart. I don't say that in an egotistical way, I just know my strengths. I've always been an engineering major due to an aptitude & the career stability aspect. I'm good at math. I'm a good chemist. Chemical engineering was a logical choice. But, I always got bored. Don't get me wrong, I love blowing shit up in Chem lab. That was never boring. I think its because that stuff is just easy for me, for the most part. This time I'm going for a non-science major that I have a personal connection too. I'm excited to see how this plays out. I'm a bit scared because it is so different and is something I normally wouldn't do because its not safe and financially viable. Considering all that, I still have a sense of peace about me. I'm finally doing something I've been talking about doing for so long so I feel taking the steps to re-enroll, as well as making the decision to major in something I have a real passion for, is a major success. I've successfully overcome my lame-ass excuses and fear. I'm starting to live the life I've wanted and feeling good about the direction its taking. I'm still experiencing a bit of freak-out and anxiety from time to time, but overall I'm embracing the turn...just going to deal one day at a time & trust in myself because I do anything I set my mind to. Annnnnd....having my kid along this time, makes it perfect.
Exhibit B: Still a doormat
Yep. Still letting people walk all over me. I truly believe some part of me will always be a doormat. I've spent so many years allowing people to use me that I've essentially taught them that its OK to mistreat me, that I come second. I've failed to be more assertive. Failed to set healthy boundaries befitting a strong sense of self-worth. Its dumb...I know. I'm amazing but I don't always remember that little nugget of truth. I seriously want to kick my own ass, like all time. It would not be a lie saying I'm working on it because I am, it is slow going but it is all part of the process to regress occasionally.
I've stood up to family, friends, and my ex husband. But, I've also bit my tongue and stayed silent far more often. That's what needs to change. I'm not a fan of confrontation, I avoid it diligently. But, not all confrontation is unhealthy. Sometimes it is more unhealthy to bottle. I always feel terrible after a situation passes where I should have stood up for myself. My self-esteem takes a hit and it takes a while until I recover. I have loving, supportive friends and family members who I lean on...even if they don't know they're helping me, they have never abandoned me.
Exhibit A: Starting college.......again
I had been toying around with the idea of starting back for years, to be honest. I had made every excuse in the book for not doing it, got really creative too. Then, randomly, one day I just did it. I went online and requested transcripts and started the process. I don't know what prompted me to fill out the application for readmission. I guess, maybe, I just reached the "ah, fuck it" level. I was accepted, financial aid has been submitted, and I've been assigned an adviser. The next step is actually enrolling...which will probably happen next week, I have to wait until my FASFA arrives at the university to move forward.
This time around, I'm going in a completely different direction, major wise. I'm smart. I don't say that in an egotistical way, I just know my strengths. I've always been an engineering major due to an aptitude & the career stability aspect. I'm good at math. I'm a good chemist. Chemical engineering was a logical choice. But, I always got bored. Don't get me wrong, I love blowing shit up in Chem lab. That was never boring. I think its because that stuff is just easy for me, for the most part. This time I'm going for a non-science major that I have a personal connection too. I'm excited to see how this plays out. I'm a bit scared because it is so different and is something I normally wouldn't do because its not safe and financially viable. Considering all that, I still have a sense of peace about me. I'm finally doing something I've been talking about doing for so long so I feel taking the steps to re-enroll, as well as making the decision to major in something I have a real passion for, is a major success. I've successfully overcome my lame-ass excuses and fear. I'm starting to live the life I've wanted and feeling good about the direction its taking. I'm still experiencing a bit of freak-out and anxiety from time to time, but overall I'm embracing the turn...just going to deal one day at a time & trust in myself because I do anything I set my mind to. Annnnnd....having my kid along this time, makes it perfect.
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| College Life |
Exhibit B: Still a doormat
Yep. Still letting people walk all over me. I truly believe some part of me will always be a doormat. I've spent so many years allowing people to use me that I've essentially taught them that its OK to mistreat me, that I come second. I've failed to be more assertive. Failed to set healthy boundaries befitting a strong sense of self-worth. Its dumb...I know. I'm amazing but I don't always remember that little nugget of truth. I seriously want to kick my own ass, like all time. It would not be a lie saying I'm working on it because I am, it is slow going but it is all part of the process to regress occasionally.
I've stood up to family, friends, and my ex husband. But, I've also bit my tongue and stayed silent far more often. That's what needs to change. I'm not a fan of confrontation, I avoid it diligently. But, not all confrontation is unhealthy. Sometimes it is more unhealthy to bottle. I always feel terrible after a situation passes where I should have stood up for myself. My self-esteem takes a hit and it takes a while until I recover. I have loving, supportive friends and family members who I lean on...even if they don't know they're helping me, they have never abandoned me.
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| Skeletor Is One Wise Dude |
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