Stay Patient & Trust The Journey

This post is supposed to be about a person in my family that means so much to me.  Well, that's my kid.  Second, my mom.  I've already talked at length about those two so I'm just going to skip this one and move on to the next.  Sure, there are others...my brother, aunts, a cousin or two, but I just don't think I want to devote an entire post to them.  I love my family, each and every member.  I love them even if I sometimes fantasize about choking the shit out of them.  Over the course of this blog, familial love has been a theme I've touched on more than once.  Saying that, I think it a bit redundant, so I'm choosing to move on to the last topic...a letter written by me to me for me.

Dear future self,

You're badass.  Keep being awesome.

Sincerely,

Yourself, circa 2015

Just kidding.... 

Dear future self,

This is the weirdest thing I've ever done in my life...except that one time, with the thing...you know what I'm talking about.  Anyway, you've come a long way in 34 years and here's hoping for 34+ more.  I've heard that people who talk to themselves actually make themselves smarter, so I'm guessing writing a letter like this is kinda like that?!  I suppose the purpose of this is to offer up some sage advice to be read or re-read when I've forgotten or need inspiration.  

You know me very well.  You know that I'm not always the greatest advice giver, unless its in the service of others.  Right now, I'm hoping you're not still like that.  I hope that you've finally been put on the right track and have confidence in your inner compass...you trust in yourself a little more than I do at this moment.  Self-confidence, I am realizing, is a lot deeper than just thinking I am beautiful and living an authentic life unapologetic. It also includes being confident in my decision making and trusting myself to be committed to my passions. To step outside of my comfort zone and have the inner strength to assure myself that I will be OK in doing so. Inner strength is key.  You can't let people scare you.  You can't continue to live you're life, parts or the whole, trying to please everyone else.  You can't go through life worried about what everyone else is going to think.  Whether its your hair, clothes, what you have to say, how you feel, what you believe, and what you have. You can't let the judgement of others stop you from being you.  Because if you do, you no longer are you.  You're someone else that other people want you to be.

Motherhood looks nothing like I imagined it would when I was younger.  Its messy & chaotic & not being able to fold a fitted sheet to save your life so you just shove it in closet with a look of disdain on your face.  I'm sure you are still battling those sheets, among a million other things.  I tend to dwell on my shortcomings or berate myself for all the things that just haven't gotten done...and I know you are still doing it too.  So stop.  Stop and remember that those things don't make you a mother.  Remember all the times where you have done well. Or the times when you’ve been there for her. Sitting up at 1 AM rocking a toddler who had a bad dream.  Making dinner out of a pantry that is bare.  Giving up on something you need so that your child can get what they need.  Helping with math.  Reading story after story.  Folding those clothes.  Making lunches. Teaching.  Listening to her stories.  Being silly.  Laughing.  Holding the puke bucket.  Wiping faces.  Putting art on the refrigerator.  Watching her sleep while praying the fever will break. Those are the moments in life that you are blessed to live.  And don't forget there is a last time for everything.  One day you will pick her up after falling, dry her tears and set her down again.  And you will never pick her up that way ever again.  One night you will wash her hair while singing songs and from the next night on, she will want to bathe alone.  One day she will kiss you goodbye on the way to school, and the next she'll want to go it alone.  You will read one final bedtime story, wipe one last dirty face, have one last night of midnight cuddles.  And the thing is you won't know its the last time until there are no more next times.  Even then, it might take you awhile to realize. So while you're living in these times, remember they are numbered and remember when they're gone...you will yearn for just One. More. Time.  So don't get wrapped up in the mundane.  Accept the fact that you won't get it all done and that's OK.  Make your home one in which you not only share toothpaste & germs but love & laughs.  She's never going to look back and say "I'm the person I am today because my house was always clean."  She's going to look back and say "I'm the person I am today because my mom loved me."

I'm sure there are a few shitheads still circulating through my life.  With my big, dumb heart I, sadly, have to deal with toxic people all the time.  The thing you need to remember is that not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring.  Some of them love us dearly.  Many of them have good intentions.  Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness.  They aren't inherently bad people, but they aren't the right people for us.  And, as hard as it is...we have to let them go.  Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can't destroy yourself for the sake of someone else.  You have to make your well-being a priority.  Whether it means breaking up with a guy, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful...you have every right to leave and create a place of peace.

Lonely is going to happen.  So I say fuck it.  Be lonely.  Cozy up to it and learn your way around it.  Embrace the fuck out of it because it might never go away.  I know a lot of the lonely stems from not staying in contact with people I care for...new and old.  I know its easy to feel uncared for when people aren't able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need.  And its so hard to not internalize that silence as a reflection of your worth.  But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they're doing doesn't even cross their mind.  Just like I said before about toxic people, they're not inherently bad or uncaring...they're just busy and self-focused.  And that's OK.  Its not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part.  It doesn't make you unlovable or invisible.  It just means that those people are not very good at looking beyond their own world.  But the fact that you are, that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love, time & attention with others.  This is a strength.  Your work isn't to change who you are;  its to find people who are able to give you the connection you need.  Because despite what you feel, you are not too much.  You are not too sensitive or too needy.  You are thoughtful and empathetic.  You are compassionate and kind.  And with or without anyone's acknowledgement or affection, you are enough.

Key points to remember....the condensed version:

• To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.
• Take the risk or lose the chance. 
• Let her stay up past her bedtime...occasionally.
• Everyone is fucked up.  You just have to decide what kind of fucked up you're into.
• Invest in people who invest in you.
• Not everyone is going to love you.  Most people don't even love themselves.
• You are not failing as a mother.
• If you can't be the poet, be the poem.
• Put the phone away.  Turn it off if you can.
•  "No" is a complete sentence.
• Burning bridges is OK, especially if the bridge was fucked up to begin with.
• Brace yourself...the teen years are coming.
• The best way out is always through.

In closing, just remember:  If you are feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be.  Feel the fear but embrace the uncertainty.  Allow it to lead you places.  Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and mind as you create your own path toward happiness; don't waste time with regret.  Be enthusiastic about your next move, no matter what form it takes.  Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes, because you'll never get another one quite like it.  And if you ever should look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over.  Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place of your heart...where your hope lives.  You'll find your way again.  Promise.

Sincerely,

Yourself :)

P.S...Just buy the damn shoes, you know I'm right.

 

Lux et veritas

The twenty-sixth blog challenge topic is...

A Past Dream Of Mine, A Great Thing I Wanted to Accomplish, But No Longer Able To Do...

Even before I entered high school I wanted to go to college back East at an Ivy League school.  My dream school was and will always be Yale.

The quality of the education, the prestige, the history and legacy, & studying far away from family were all appealing aspects of attending Yale for me.  There were many other reasons I dreamed of going to school in Connecticut, but the sad reality is that I never even applied.  Why?  It wasn't because I didn't think I would be accepted.  I feel like my odds were good.  On paper, I was an excellent candidate...high GPA, well rounded in student organizations & clubs, awards, accolades, and community involvement.  Was I shoe in?  Not at all, but I think I stood a real chance.  The financial weight was truly scary and I feel led to my decision to not even apply.  I was awarded a full-ride for Journalism and that was the path I choose.  It was safer and not a gamble.

Is my Yale dream truly dead?!  No, I don't think so.  It just has become a different dream, that's all.  If I were to attend Yale now, it would be under a different context...one of a Master's or PHD program.  I wouldn't be a wide-eyed, naive 18 year old freshman.  I wouldn't be that student who might not appreciate the school or the experience the way my 30 something self surely would.  I think attending Yale now, instead of fresh out of high school, would be infinitely more beneficial.  I have more perspective now, more appreciation for opportunities, and a better understanding of the way life operates.  Once I finish my BA, we will see if my path to higher education concludes or is just starting to get interesting.

You Mustn't Be Afraid To Dream A Little Bigger Darling

The twenty-fifth blog challenge topic is...

My Biggest Dream, A Great Thing I Want to Accomplish...

So many things relate to my kid that I sometimes have trouble with these prompts, I could easily make almost all of them about her.  I never had dreams of becoming a mother in my youth...and that trend continued on into my 20's.  I just never was that girl.  I never fantasized about my future wedding and picked out my future kids' names.  Now that I am a parent, I can't imagine my life without her.  She became my dream.  A dream I never knew I wanted.  But, I've talked about that in the past so I'll discuss something else I want to accomplish today.

One of my other big dreams is to write a novel.  I want to tell the story I've been hoping to read every time I pick up a new book.  I'm not talking about the next great American novel here, I just want to write a story worth something to me.  I'm not talking about a commercially successfully-turned motion picture type of novel...that would be awesome, but not necessary.  I don't think I would even need it to be published.  I just want to get this story I've had rattling around in my brain for so long down on paper.

Writing a novel has been a dream of mine for a very long time.  It was only until, maybe 5 years ago, that I started thinking seriously about it.  I remember when I was younger, middle school age, I sat in my bedroom rewriting movies or TV shows if I didn't like the way the storyline progressed.  Considering I don't want to write fan-fic like I did all those years ago, I started thinking about what original story I wanted to tell.  I have notes everywhere.  A couple of notebooks at home and "notes" on my phone...I need to go through them and start organizing.  I even have an inspiration board on Pinterest.  Anytime an idea comes to me or I read/see/hear something that I think could be useful, I write it down.

A received a very good piece of advice once:  Don't discuss your "in-progress writing" with non-writers.  Creativity is a fragile thing, after all.  I'm not going to discuss my story in this post other than that it will be a work of fiction.  The characters, however, will have facets of realism to them.  What I mean by that is, people I know or have known have been the basis to many of my characters.  Some are wholly that person, others are comprised of aspects, and others are amalgamations.  So if the day ever comes that my novel lines some shelf in Barnes & Noble bookstores & you purchase it after reading the back cover summary & after a few chapters you begin to wonder why that douchey character seems vaguely familiar...just know you were, in fact, my muse.

You're welcome...asshole.