Soooo....I haven't written anything in a while.
Why's that you ask?!
Well, I've been busy introverting and avoiding my feelings like a mother-fucker...
that's why.
Have you ever just been so deep in a "life rut" that you can't possibly see a way out? No foot-hold. No thread which could serve as a life line? Furthermore, you are so intrenched that you can't even muster the will to dig your way out?! Self-preservation seems to have abandoned you. If someone were to break you open, you honestly don't know what would come pouring out but your biggest fear is that nothing would. You've spent so much time in this state-of-being, you feel hollow. You sometimes pray for hurt, sadness, maybe even despair: Anything just so you know you still have the capacity to feel. I think that is the worst sort of feeling...nothing. I hate that state of when you really don't have any emotion. You're not happy, you're not really sad, you're just simply nothing.
Your
mind is in complete chaos, but your heart is completely apathetic.
In less than 24 hours, I will experience yet another profound life event. You know those moments I'm talking about...moments in which you realize nothing will ever be the same, and Time is decidedly divided into two parts: before this & after this.
I don't know how I feel about it. I know I should feel sadness. I know I should feel a degree of fear. I know I should feel an amount of relief. But, when I look inward, when I attempt to focus on what I'm feeling, all I feel is a void.
That can't be good.
I've been feeling this way for quite a while now, and it's time I confront the situation in hopes of achieving internal resolution because, God knows, I will be receiving a different type of resolution tomorrow...whether I want it or not. I knew the countdown had begun, but I had no idea of the time frame I was given...you know the clock is ticking but you can't see the timer. I knew the end-game, what the end-result would be, but it always remained this abstract thought, one set to come to fruition sometime in some distant future. Maybe that's why I never gave it my full attention, I never truly invested in my emotions. I never truly dealt with them accordingly. I didn't experience them in a healthy way, the way they are meant to be experienced, but instead just compartmentalized too much. Fuck, who knows...I certainly still don't.
I feel like such a tit though. I have so much to be grateful for...so much to be happy about. I'm healthy-ish. My family is amazing. I have a home & food & a job. I have a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter who loves and adores me. I have loyal friends who genuinely care for my well-being. So what's the problem?
FUCK I DON'T KNOW!!! AAARGH....
Jesus Rollerblading Christ, I need to pull my head out of my ass. Half of me says: "Just focus on the good, the bad will work out in due time." The other half says: "No, stop avoiding. Deal with this shit. Work through your emotions in a healthy, constructive way." My two halves can be real assholes.
I need an answer and I need it now. I can't keep living this way. I thought I was doing better. I thought that I was on my way to getting back to the before this me. I now know that was a farce. I've been lying to myself and I'm tired of this charade because it's taken its toll. Relationships I have with friends & family have been impacted...my daughter has been impacted and that is unacceptable. I am just so God-damned unhappy and its bleeding into my relationships. The eventuality of tomorrow's events have stripped all the illusions I had created away. It has brought everything to the forefront and I am ill equipped & unable to process it all. I need help...the one thing I rarely ask for. But...
How do you ask for help when you don't know what you truly need?
