Looking Toward the Future

The first blog challenge topic is...

Something I'm Looking Forward To This Year

Gawd...that is so broad & simplistic in nature.  Does it mean something specific, like a singular event?  Does mean something existential, like self-growth or emotional development?

Age of Ultron comes out this year and I'm totally looking forward to that badassery.

Squeee!!!!

However...I think we know I love Marvel movies so that's kind of an obvious answer, therefore I will write about something else.

Well in the short term...my best friend is driving from California to South Carolina at the end of this month.  She plans on stopping and staying one night at my house.  Even though I wish it would be a longer visit, I'm happy to see her and her family for any amount of time.  Being around her always improves my mood and well-being.  She reminds me what real, true friendship is and all others have paled in comparison.

Long term...proving myself wrong.  You read that right.  I have a sneaking suspicion that I will not follow-through with some promises I've made to myself.  I do not lack the desire to fulfill, but rather the drive.  It's crap I know, but sometimes I get in my own way.  Self-doubt trickles in.  I bargain and negotiate with myself.  Make excuses.  Procrastinate.  I think my saving grace this time is how incredibly unhappy I've become.  I've said it before, but I am being consumed by it...well, aspects of my life are being effected, not the whole thing.  I don't want to turn this into a "woe is me-emo manifesto," so I will spare you the details.  There are some big life changes I want to focus on this year and I've made the promise of working toward realizing those goals before the year's end.  I want to prove myself wrong by actually achieving a successful outcome, whatever shape it takes, instead of caving to the pressure like I've done countless times.

Hello 2015!

I'm pretty sure I'm in another funk.  You know what I'm talking about...

The last 2 months of 2014 were met with incredible highs, and debilitating lows for me.  Now that the holidays are done and my daughter has returned to school, my daily routine has stabilized once again.  I promised myself that I would not neglect this blog, and I am starting to do just that, all because I'm just not in a "good place," for lack of a better term.  I don't want to do it.  I really, really don't want to but somehow I'm lacking in proper motivation.  I was thinking on this very topic this morning and realized that maybe I need to do another blog challenge or something to get the 'ole creative juices flowing...that phrase grosses me out but it was the first thing that came to mind.

I searched Pinterest for challenge ideas & writing prompts & found one that might just do the trick.  Now, its one of those daily ones but I don't want to over-commit.  I think a more realistic goal is a weekly challenge, and, if I want to get truly crazy, maybe publish more than one a week.  We will see how it goes.

I can do this...

*Side note*  I always do the reading challenge on GoodReads...you set a goal for the number of books you want to read for the year, and the site tracks your progress.  Well I found this during the the aforementioned blog challenge search:

 

 

 

 

If Satan and my high school librarian had a baby...it would be this challenge

It's quite daunting, but I think I am going to incorporate some of these into this year's reading challenge.

Saying Goodbye

About a week after my daughter and I returned from a fantastic trip to California, I got "the call" from my mom.  My grandmother had passed away.

I returned from Colorado last night but I feel like my mind/heart/soul are still there.

I wrote about my grandmother last year (you can read it here), wrote about how her health was in a steady decline.  Even though she wasn't the picture of health, it was so very sudden.  The night before her death, she was fine.  The following morning, she went almost catatonic.  My mom sat with her for hours, and it wasn't until she left to grab food that my grandmother passed.  I think the family is all still in a state of shock.  Poor health or not, we were not prepared.

I'm still sort of disconnected.  The blur of the last few days, the "thank you's," and the countless condolences are still so overwhelming.  My family really pulled together, as little in number as we are.  We shared stories, laughter, and tears.  Goodbyes are never easy.

Now that family has left town, the ones that remain...my mother, uncle, aunt & cousin...are left to deal with any remaining details.  I wish I could have stayed longer.  I wish I could be there to share in the responsibilities to lessen the weight, but life doesn't stop because you're having a rough go of it.

My grandmother was an amazing woman.  You always knew what she thought and where you stood.  She was feisty, driven, bold, & fearless.  She wasn't perfect, but she loved her family ardently.

Her death was a profound shock to my system, in more ways than the obvious.  I realized how self-absorbed I can be at times.  How I've wasted so much time.  Allocating my attention to dumb shit instead of to what's really important.  I owe it to myself, and those around me, to do better.  To stop making excuses and make things happen.  To step outside myself even if it is uncomfortable or inconvenient.  I've always prided myself in the fact that I'm not a selfish person.  However, I'm finding that I've been lying to myself...in some respects.  It is unfortunate that it took my grandmother's death to give me a wake-up call, and I feel shame and regret most deeply.  I know I have to change and, my God, how I hate change.  I'm a lot like my grandmother in the respect of being a bit of a control freak, and that extends, in a way, to my daily schedule.  Its hard to articulate, but when my daily routine changes, I get anxious, grumpy, and all around out-of-sorts.  I think that is my reaction to not being in control.

I will do better.  It might be baby steps, little changes done daily, but I am committed to building a better life that will feed my soul instead of draining it.