Books=Balance

The fifth blog challenge topic is...

Something In My Life That Gives Me Balance...

*Sorry for the lapse in posting, I have been battling a killer sinus infection for, almost, 2 weeks.  There has been an area-wide epidemic ravaging everyone around.  My daughter had tonsillitis, people are contracting strep, and God knows what else is compromising immune systems all over town.  I am so over this cold-ass weather and the rampant sickness. Bring on the Spring allergy season!*

I have absolutely no idea what balances me out...maybe as I write, something will come to me.  I'm not into yoga or any exercise really.  I don't have weekly vent sessions dinners with my girlfriends.  I don't have a husband/boyfriend/partner to act as a soundboard, a calming agent.  Saying my daughter balances me is kind of a no-brainer....because, on many levels, she does.  I'm a mom so that's a given.  I love the fact that after a day filled with phone calls & expense reports, I get to go home and create with her...imagine with her.  It doesn't matter that I got so frustrated at work, that I was nearly brought to tears, because when I get home all that falls away & her and I are now princess unicorns chasing rainbows.

I don't really have many hobbies, which in my opinion, are one way to balance one's life.  I read.  I watch movies.  Maybe that is very telling, considering those two things are forms of escapism.  What I mean is, when people turn to fictional worlds, fictional people, its often because they want to escape.  These stories shelter us from the storm that is our daily lives;  they save us, if only for a little while.  But when we really give in, become invested, let ourselves be vulnerable, something shifts.  We feel like we know them or can relate.  Its no longer just a way to escape a shitty day, it becomes a part of us, it makes us who we are.

These characters teach us that incredible adversity can be overcome.  That our struggles are not singular or unique, we are not solitary in our suffering.  That people can in fact love each other forever.  That life can be an adventure.  That magic, through various guises, can be real.  And even if these miracles have never happened to us, we begin to go through life believing that, someday, they could.  

Getting lost in books helps me.  It calms me.  Its makes me happy & gives me an outlet.  It balances.  I don't expect people to understand the logic or understand how books accomplish that task.  With struggles at work, family dysfunction drama, and personal matters, diving into a story allows me separation that I may not manage on my own...I tend to obsess if left without a distraction.  I think we write down or create made-up stories to tell truths that we are too afraid to speak, unable to rationalize.  The same can be said about those who turn to stories for aid.

Life is gritty, dark, painful, unforgiving & unjust.  It is rife with broken people hurting others to lessen their own pain.  It is also serendipitous, inspiring, full of hope, opportunity, knowledge, & beauty.  So when my life takes a turn for the former, I reach for a novel or two.  Life truly is a balancing act and without books, I fear I would, not only be ill-equipped, but at a huge disadvantage when faced with what Life throws at me.

Finding Joy In The Daily Grind

The fourth blog challenge topic is...

A Part Of My Everyday Routine That I Enjoy

The first thing that came to mind was reading to my daughter every night before bed.  I'm not going to over think this one, so that will be the topic of this blog post.

I have always read to my daughter.  I read to her while she still occupied space in the womb.  My parents did it for both my brother and I while we were growing up, so it is a tradition I gladly continue.  My daughter is starting to read on her own, so most nights she acts as the story teller now.  It tests my patience sometimes, but I am constantly amazed how quickly she is strengthening her reading skills.  So our evening adventures cuddled in bed with Wild Things, discovering the hardships of temporary fairies, deterring thieves with Frog Belly Rat Bone, or organizing dragon taco parties, is always the best part of my day.

If you were to visit my house in between cleanings, of course there would be the traditional clutter...toys, coats, hair ties, etc.  But the one thing that always seems to be a fixture around the house is stacks of books.  Stacks in the living room.  A pile on the bedside table.  Books on the kitchen table & on top of the refrigerator.  I am steadfast in my love of books & reading.  My bookshelves are overflowing and my Kindle library is robust.  This is a trait I have passed onto my daughter and her love of books truly rivals my own.  She has a floor organizer in her room bursting with all manner of books.  Hardback, paperback, pop-up, some with sounds, and even a few chapter books without many pictures.  I want to continue that love affair by encouraging her to read daily, encourage it by weekly trips to library.  At some point, her attention will shift to other things besides coloring books & Candy Land.  She will pick up different hobbies and discover other ways to occupy her time.  My only hope is that she never loses her love of reading.  That no matter what, she always makes time to read...even if its a few pages here and there.

Oh Darcy...you just get me.

Everyday Struggles

The third blog challenge topic is...

Something With Which I Struggle...

Struggle.  What a funny sounding word, yet its meaning is anything but.  Struggles are equal opportunity providers.  They don't care if you are rich or poor.  Intelligent or ignorant.  Black, white, male, or female.  Just like death and taxes, struggling is a part of everyone's lives...inescapable.  The degree to which we struggle is the only variable.

I've had my fair share, sometimes I think I've been given double portions.  Making ends meet financially,  self-confidence issues, achieving academically, relationships, and parenting are all on the high end of the challenge spectrum.  There are small-scale ones too.  Yard upkeep, eating my vegetables, getting to bed at a decent time,  & remembering to charge my phone.  The day-to-day stuff many times gets lost in the hustle and bustle, so much so that I sometimes forget that they are in fact struggles.

Trying to pick just one and then expand is difficult.  I decided to talk about one particular struggle that I hate more than anything.  A struggle I've dealt with since I was 18 years old.  Admitting is the first step right?  That is what people say anyway...so ladies and gentlemen:

My name is Kelly & I smoke cigarettes.

I've struggled with my nicotine habit my entire adult life and I fucking hate it.

 I was the only one in my small group of friends who didn't smoke.  I just didn't want to.  My mom smokes.  Both of my grandmothers smoked.  It is gross & smelly & just gross.  I started because I wanted to be Cool Girl.  You know what I'm talking about.  I started a friendship with a girl who was outside my core circle of friends and I was desperate for her to like me.  I thought if I smoked, like her, I would be better liked...more relate able.  It was dumb and naive.  My relationship with cigarettes has lasted a lot longer than that particular friendship ever did.  I've tried to quit multiple times.  I did in fact quit for well over a year when I was pregnant.  I've tried suckers, hard candy, the cold turkey approach, medication...one particular pill made me homicidal and want to murder my then husband.  None of it did the trick.

I don't think its the addiction to nicotine, instead I feel its the addiction to the self-soothing smoking provides.  Smoking calms my anxiety.  When I'm sad, mad, or any combination, I find that removing myself and smoking helps me settle down and "get my head right," so to speak.  Smoking is a balm, a way for me to cope with situations where I'm emotionally agitated or distraught.  The daily ritual part, first thing in morning-last thing before bed, is easy to break.  I know this because I've done it.  The 8 days I was in California I didn't smoke once...didn't even crave one.  It was a true shock and I was amazed.  I know it had to do with my state of mind/emotional well-being.  I was somewhere stress-free, surrounded by people I love and care about.  I was happy and having fun.  No drama whatsoever.  

My smoking addiction isn't dependence on nicotine, its rooted in my lack of coping skills.  If I work on developing ways to deal with my emotions, I'm sure I will kick the habit for good.  Its going to take work, and I might even need outside help, but with the proper tools I know smoking will be a thing of the past.

Best Anti-Smoking Ad Ever