I think it's really easy to sit and relive past events and imagine them playing out differently. I think we all fall victim to that trap more than we like to admit. The old adage "Hindsight is 20/20" is so very true. Looking back at a situation is bad enough, but envisioning what your life might be if you had made a different decision is usually even more painful. It serves no purpose other than to cause emotionally upheaval and despondency. I try not to, but I'm guilty of looking back and wondering what could have been, in multiple situations, on occasion.
One particular event is extremely private as well as painful. I don't share this part of my past lightly, but part of the reason I started this blog is that my words, thoughts, & experiences might help someone who happens to read my posts. So I've made the decision to share it.
When I was 18 I started dating a guy who was charming & funny & a bit of a bad boy. He was three years older than me and I was hopelessly naive. Well, long story short, I gave up a full-ride college scholarship, moved out-of-state away from all my family, settled for a shitty job all because I thought I loved him. Throughout our 3 year relationship I missed or denied seeing tons of "red flags." He abused alcohol and, I later found out, drugs as well. What started out joyous, young love turned into an abusive relationship. I always wonder if I had left him, or called the police the first time he hit me, what my life would be like now…I wonder if I would be a different version of the woman I am today. It's a dangerous thing to linger in one's memory sometimes. You can make yourself an emotional/mental wreck if you spend all your energy reliving your past. This particular part of my past I rarely visit. Usually I am only there if something triggers a memory. I don't like going there because I am forced to remember how weak I was. I have to remember how little I thought of myself. I won't ever be that girl again, the girl who was too ashamed/scared to call the police because she thought that she deserved the treatment she was receiving. I won't ever be the girl whose mother, who lived in a completely different state, had to call the police to report the crime because she knew that her daughter lacked the strength.
What if I had stood up for myself?
What if I had possessed a higher degree of self-worth?
What if I hadn't fell for his tricks, lies & manipulations?
What if…what if…what if?
Do you see what I mean when I say it is not good to ask ourselves "what if?" It serves no purpose…the past is not going to change. It is not conducive to moving forward…you can't live in the present if you're constantly imagining different scenarios or hypothetical outcomes. All I do know is if I had stood up to him it could have ended very badly, I mean he threatened to kill more times than I care to admit. He could have left me and I would have been free to move on & have a completely different life. A million different possible outcomes could have happened if I had stood up for myself or just left. Maybe I was meant to walk that path, meant to endure that pain and suffering because there was a lesson I was supposed to learn. Maybe not. Maybe I was just stupid. I don't know and I no longer care.
That man broke me. He broke me at a very young age and I was left scarred, devastated, humiliated, and full of shame & regret. He broke my very soul but it was me who picked up all the pieces and remade myself. I haven't been lucky in love since that relationship, but I'll be damned if I ever let a man treat & debase me that way ever again. I pay closer attention. I don't let the euphoria of lust/love/new feelings cloud my vision to seeing clear indicators that I learned about the hard way. If you take anything from this post, I hope you take this advice: Don't dwell in the past…just don't do it. You could miss out on living, because, after all, we are meant to live in the present. The past serves only as a reminder, a place to visit, it's not meant to be a permanent residence.
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