Faith Lost

The sixteenth blog challenge topic is...

Something That Shook My Belief System To The Core/A Big Disappointment In My Life...

This is one prompt that I didn't have difficulty with...the moment I read it, one thing instantly popped into my head.  And, its by far the most painful thing I've had to deal with post-divorce.  Its not only painful but makes me angry, confused, sad, and then angry some more every time I think about it.

My daughter is one of seven grandchildren for my dad and step-mom.  My step-brothers have five between them and my brother has one.  Four are older and the other three are five and younger.  My daughter is particularly close to the younger of my two step-brother's youngest daughter...seeing as they are only a year apart in age.  It's still a bit puzzling to me but my step-mom has always been overly incredibly involved in her life.  She has always been favored over all the others kids in many ways.  It never really bothered me, sure I notice it...we all do, but nothing is ever said.  The favoritism has really reached epic proportions in the last year or so.  It has gotten so bad that I finally said something to my father about it...I couldn't in good conscious keep silent anymore.  You see...it was becoming apparent to my daughter that her treatment was different.  (I could list all the instances of mistreatment but I feel like that is really unnecessary and they make me want to stab someone).

I made the mistake of only having the conversation with my dad.  I know that I should have sat both him and my step-mom down to talk, but the reality is I was too emotional & I tend to lose my temper with my step-mom.  I didn't want to say things that I honestly felt, but shouldn't necessarily say out loud.  Our relationship has always been on shaky ground.

I voiced my concerns.  I shared how I felt.  I indicated that my daughter was aware.  I was respectful but clear about the issue and my thoughts on the situation.

My father's response..."I'm going to defend my wife here."  

I was stunned into silence for a good 20 seconds.  After my brain restarted, I'm pretty sure my heart broke.  This was my father, my daughter's grandfather, and he was turning his back on our pain.  After hearing that, in an attempt to avoid an emotional outburst, I turned to logic instead.  Every time I brought points up that he couldn't refute, his response was that statement.  He said bullshit things like "maybe she doesn't feel comfortable."  How the fuck can a mother of two and grandmother to seven not feel comfortable around a five year old?!?  He went on to say things like the favoritism has always been there and it will always be there.  I'm sorry...what?!?  Said that they bonded early on so maybe that's why the two of them are closer.  Is there some cut-off age for bonding that I am unaware of?!?  He said that he is just trying to "balance" things.  Bullshit...Isn't the one causing unbalance the one who is responsible for rectifying?!?

The whole conversation and the words that came out of his mouth were complete bullshit.  He got backed into a corner, was unable to ignore the issue or pretend it didn't exist and his response was utter bullshit.  I have never been more disappointed in a person in my life.  I get that a husband needs to support his wife...I was married once so I understand the concept.  I get that this is a very sensitive issue...its a fucking tar-baby to be honest, so I avoided bringing it up because I knew it would not end well for anyone.  The hardest part of this is that he acknowledged this was happening (he gave zero fucks I might add) & then defended her actions.  He even tried to justify it with pathetic excuses.  Its one thing to acknowledge the favoritism and be honest in the fact that he doesn't know how to change things.  He, in my opinion, would rather support my step-mom then have friction within the marriage.  By choosing to defend this, he is enabling and perpetuating the favoritism...which is way worse in my opinion.  Its one thing to support your spouse, but, in my opinion, you should never support bad behavior or enable actions that do damage to others.  She might not ever change or give a fuck, but he is unwilling to even make an attempt, start an uncomfortable conversation which could help heal family bonds.

I lost a lot of respect for my father that day & I now want nothing to do with my step-mom.  I'm not sure if they really give a shit that their choices are negatively impacting relationships within the family.  My brother and I have had conversations about this, and he and my sister-in-law have somewhat distanced themselves in my opinion.  I'm done being upset about this.  Its sad, no doubt, but I would rather spend my energy loving my daughter and protecting her heart by showing her that I value her...that she has real worth.  I want to hear about what she did at recess or ate for lunch. I want to expel my energy validating her presence in my life and telling her that she is amazing & incredible & important then being angry with my step-mom and dad's terrible life choices.

Serendipity (n): Finding Something Good Without Looking For It

The fifteenth blog challenge topic is...

A Person I Met Randomly That Has Had An Impact...

I've struggled with this prompt.  I've spent days thinking about it, periodically racking my brain for one person who has made a significant impact.  Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest accomplishment, or the smallest act of compassion, all of which have the power to turn a life around.  To make a difference.  To be a catalyst.

• The story about my oldest friend letting me borrow a pen in 7th grade and said pen leaking ink all over me & my stuff.

• The story about my old Journalism teacher who treated me like an adult for the first time in my life, fully knowing I wasn't.  How he went out of his way to secure a full-ride scholarship because he saw my potential and didn't want it wasted.

• The story of my old Speech & Debate teacher who taught me to question those in authority and always have an opinion...even if that opinion contradicts social norms.

• The story of a dear friend, who trained me my first night bar tending because my original trainer got hammered drunk, being diagnosed with MS at the age of 22...the story about how she is the epitome of strength and hope.

All of these people have impacted my life and all were met randomly.  Whether it was a chance encounter, twist of fate, or because I needed to fill a spot in my school schedule, I am thankful for sharing a portion of my life with them or having them still being a presence in my life.

However, the one person who has impacted me most profoundly has got to be me...or the most recent version of my current self.  I know what you're thinking..."I misread that."  You might even be thinking I'm extremely egotistical and a narcissist.  That's OK...it's a free country after all.

I don't think this prompt was meant to be interrupted this way, but let's be honest...this isn't the first time I haven't done the straight-forward approach to these prompts.

I think there is a fluidity to personal evolution.  Personal growth is important and essential to making the most out of the time we have and to the relationships we foster.  I have had many reincarnations throughout my 30 plus years.  My most recent is a result of ending my marriage and beginning a life as single mother.  As I look back, I don't know how I did it.  How I managed to pick myself up and keep going when all I wanted to do was shut down and wallow.  How I cried late at night and became far too talented at silent weeping in order to shield my daughter.  How I lied & pretended to my family about just how low I was.  I've been completely broken like this only one other time in my life.  Both times have been at the hands of men I thought loved me...men who in the end betrayed.  Men who shattered my life and left without giving a single fuck about where the pieces of me landed.

We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or by accident.  We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or by accident.  It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be both a heart and a blade.  But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human.  We make horrible mistakes...its how we learn.  We breathe love...its how we learn.  I was the type of person who held onto things too tightly, unable to release my grip when it no longer felt right.  And although it gave me blisters and my fingers began to ache, I always thought that holding on was the was worth the pain.  I used to think that in losing things, I'd lose a part of me as well.  That slowly I would become someone my heart no longer recognized.  Then one day something happened, I dropped the weight of what I had once held dear, and my soul became lighter, freer.  It taught my heart that some things aren't meant to last.  They arrive to teach you lessons and then continue on.  You don't have to cling to people who no longer make you happy or do something you've come to hate if it isn't worth your while.  That sometimes the thing you're fighting for isn't worth the cost because not everything you lose ends up being a loss.

It is this lesson I had to relearn and implement...my new self needed reminding.  I have a quiet strength that lies dormant most days, yet can be ferocious when called upon.  I am amazed with myself when I look back at those dark days.  They were rough, no doubt about it, and I still occasionally have bad days.  So on those bad days I remind myself that I've endured worse, and that version of me was able to pull her shit together and keep going after a night full of tears, rage, or dwindling hope.  After all, some people are destroyed within the flames, and others are created by it. 

The Graveyard of Past Friendships

The fourteenth blog challenge topic is...

A Friend/Partner That Drifted Out of My Life...

I have always been adamant about the fact that I have the best friends a girl could ask for.  I've never been the best at being one of those outgoing people-persons that is at ease with meeting new people.  I have, however, been blessed with having some amazing people come into my life despite my introverted nature.  Sadly, not all those who have entered my life have stayed.  School friends, past co-workers turned friends, and even boyfriends have all come and gone.  Facebook and other social media sites make it easy/accessible to maintain a presence in each others' lives, but sometimes people just drift apart.

When I think about a person that drifted, a person who's absence truly hit me the hardest, there is only one that readily comes to mind.  She was my best friend, my partner in crime, my sister.

 Or so I thought

She was a friend of a friend initially.  She grew up in my town, but moved away before my family arrived.  She kept in touch with many people still in town, namely one of my closest friends.  I had always heard stories about her from mutual friends and thought that she sounded like a pretty cool chick.  In high school, she moved back to town and we fell into an easy friendship.  Along with 2 others, we all were inseparable...we were rarely without each other.  Toward the end of our high school years, discord broke up the group.  The other two girls went their own way, but her and I stayed together until I moved out of state.  When I moved back to Texas in my mid-20's we were able to reconnect, became roommates even.  When I decided to move in with my now ex husband, our friendship kind of died.  She had just found out she was pregnant with her second child and I was getting married & moving to Japan.  We pretty much stopped communicating all together.  It was very bizarre to be honest.  A fixture in each others lives one day, strangers the next.

I always thought we had a really solid friendship.  We saw each other, talked to each other, everyday.  Apart from school/work, we were always together.  As I think back and take a closer look, I see a different friendship then the one I lived then.  I'm passive and laid back by nature.  She is not.  There always seemed to be drama surrounding her.  In my naive mind, it was never her fault all these bad things happened or why all these people were doing terrible things to her.  I was on her side always, and besides, she was my best friend...she wouldn't lie to me.  I knew she was kind of high maintenance, liked attention, but I also saw another side to her that came out in quiet moments shared between just the two of us.  I never doubted her loyalty to me...until one particular guy entered our lives.  She was seeing his best friend while I was seeing him.  Things didn't work out between him and I but she continued to date his friend.  Things got really tense and weird between us.  Whispered phone conversations, quickly closed computer windows, and lame-assed excuses kind of gave me reason to doubt her...or suspect there was something being kept from me.  I never found out what was going on and I didn't really care about the specifics.  The thing that bothered me the most was that there was a dishonesty happening and that was the most hurtful thing.

When I returned from Japan we were able to get together one afternoon as she was driving through my town.  She spent the entire time monopolizing the conversation with her bitching & ranting & playing the perpetual victim.  I was right in the middle of my divorce and she didn't even show me one ounce of compassion.  I listened to her and for the first time found myself not giving a shit.  All her gripes sounded so petty and immature.  Maybe I had finally grown up.  Maybe I had finally acquired enough maturity to see through her bullshit and see her for what she is and had always been...a drama queen who creates and thrives on chaos, sustained by the attention she receives, whether it be positive or negative.  I don't mean to sound callous, but she has not changed one bit since high school.  No growth, no depth, little maturity.  I don't have time to cater to and fawn over an attention seeking narcissist like I did over a decade ago...I have enough drama of my own & definitely don't want to add any more.

I think back and remember good times along with the bad.  I remember a lot of fun nights, road trips, chasing boys, and laughter.  However, I remember more bad than good.  I remember how exhausting that friendship was.  I feel like our friendship was one of convenience, I was always accessible, always willing to stand by her no matter how much bitching & complaining she did.  I stood by her and offered true friendship despite her nature/manner even when it was not reciprocated.  It is unfortunate that we drifted.  Its sad that, as we've both aged, that we couldn't reconnect once again as wiser, more mature mothers & adults.  I will always reserve a place in my heart for her, as is my nature, but I will never allow her back into my life like I did all those years ago.

Sad but true...

50 Shades of S#!T

The thirteenth blog challenge topic is...

A Book That Changed My Views On Something...

I don't think I've ever read a book and had one of those epiphany moments.  A moment where the earth stops and I have a sudden realization that everything I've felt or believed is a lie.  A moment where I've questioned my belief in this or that or myself.  There have been books that have effected me, I mean that is one reason books exist or why authors write...to connect with readers and invoke a response of some kind.

 

Controversial books are controversial because they have specific themes or depict situations that not everyone likes or agrees with.  They might also be thought provoking or shake people's foundations in some way.  Slaughterhouse Five, The Communist Manifesto, and The Adventure's of Huckleberry Finn are some that come to mind.  The God Delusion is a more recent one that never fails to rile people up.  But, if we are talking about blowing minds & inciting a riot we can't leave out Darwin's Origins of the Species...that one will live in infamy.  I've read some of these and many more that have made controversial lists or been banned.  However, they haven't really resonated on a level that would produce an existential about-face.  There is one book, a series rather, that has effected me to my very core.  It hasn't changed my views in the way I think this prompt meant, but it has changed my view on society.

E. L. James' 50 Shades of Grey trilogy is complete and utter trash.  It's poorly written...the plot is almost nonexistent, characters are two dimensional, unlikeable & un-relatable, and, seeing as its an "erotic" novel, the sex/romance is downright boring and trite. The prose is weak & sounds like a high school aged girl's diary.  I actually wrote a FaceBook post about it...

 

This series has changed my view on our society and how it never ceases to amaze me the commercial success of different things. I get that this is fiction, total "fantasy."  I really don't care what your kinks are, truly I don't.  You can love/fantasize about bottle nosed dolphins and butt plugs for all I care...your choices don't dictate the course of my life at all.  I even applaud those who have the courage to have an opinion, those who aren't afraid to embrace what gives them pleasure.  What I can't support is delusional-isque people rallying behind shit like this series who completely ignore the fact that it showcases unhealthy, abusive relationships.  Why has this series had so much mainstream success?  Maybe its because we as a society have become desensitized to the sexualization & debasement of individuals, namely women.  There was a recent ad campaign which had women posing with implied nudity wearing digitally added dresses made of milk. *Cue shit storm*  I get that it was artistic in nature.  I don't always get art, but I get that it is art...if that makes sense.  The issue here is, why naked ladies wearing milk dresses?!?  If sales are so bad that you have to resort to almost nudity to boost revenue...I think business execs needs to reevaluate their choices.  We as a society are bombarded with sexual imagery and innuendo on a daily basis.  TV, internet, print...sex sells & most of us voluntarily eat it up and ask for seconds.  For this reason, it was no surprise to me that this series amassed a large, loyal fandom.  It just saddens me that the fans defend it so vehemently when it clearly romanticizes dysfunction.  Its dangerous subject matter masquerading as fluffy chick lit.

I'm suddenly craving chocolate chip cookies...