Faith Lost

The sixteenth blog challenge topic is...

Something That Shook My Belief System To The Core/A Big Disappointment In My Life...

This is one prompt that I didn't have difficulty with...the moment I read it, one thing instantly popped into my head.  And, its by far the most painful thing I've had to deal with post-divorce.  Its not only painful but makes me angry, confused, sad, and then angry some more every time I think about it.

My daughter is one of seven grandchildren for my dad and step-mom.  My step-brothers have five between them and my brother has one.  Four are older and the other three are five and younger.  My daughter is particularly close to the younger of my two step-brother's youngest daughter...seeing as they are only a year apart in age.  It's still a bit puzzling to me but my step-mom has always been overly incredibly involved in her life.  She has always been favored over all the others kids in many ways.  It never really bothered me, sure I notice it...we all do, but nothing is ever said.  The favoritism has really reached epic proportions in the last year or so.  It has gotten so bad that I finally said something to my father about it...I couldn't in good conscious keep silent anymore.  You see...it was becoming apparent to my daughter that her treatment was different.  (I could list all the instances of mistreatment but I feel like that is really unnecessary and they make me want to stab someone).

I made the mistake of only having the conversation with my dad.  I know that I should have sat both him and my step-mom down to talk, but the reality is I was too emotional & I tend to lose my temper with my step-mom.  I didn't want to say things that I honestly felt, but shouldn't necessarily say out loud.  Our relationship has always been on shaky ground.

I voiced my concerns.  I shared how I felt.  I indicated that my daughter was aware.  I was respectful but clear about the issue and my thoughts on the situation.

My father's response..."I'm going to defend my wife here."  

I was stunned into silence for a good 20 seconds.  After my brain restarted, I'm pretty sure my heart broke.  This was my father, my daughter's grandfather, and he was turning his back on our pain.  After hearing that, in an attempt to avoid an emotional outburst, I turned to logic instead.  Every time I brought points up that he couldn't refute, his response was that statement.  He said bullshit things like "maybe she doesn't feel comfortable."  How the fuck can a mother of two and grandmother to seven not feel comfortable around a five year old?!?  He went on to say things like the favoritism has always been there and it will always be there.  I'm sorry...what?!?  Said that they bonded early on so maybe that's why the two of them are closer.  Is there some cut-off age for bonding that I am unaware of?!?  He said that he is just trying to "balance" things.  Bullshit...Isn't the one causing unbalance the one who is responsible for rectifying?!?

The whole conversation and the words that came out of his mouth were complete bullshit.  He got backed into a corner, was unable to ignore the issue or pretend it didn't exist and his response was utter bullshit.  I have never been more disappointed in a person in my life.  I get that a husband needs to support his wife...I was married once so I understand the concept.  I get that this is a very sensitive issue...its a fucking tar-baby to be honest, so I avoided bringing it up because I knew it would not end well for anyone.  The hardest part of this is that he acknowledged this was happening (he gave zero fucks I might add) & then defended her actions.  He even tried to justify it with pathetic excuses.  Its one thing to acknowledge the favoritism and be honest in the fact that he doesn't know how to change things.  He, in my opinion, would rather support my step-mom then have friction within the marriage.  By choosing to defend this, he is enabling and perpetuating the favoritism...which is way worse in my opinion.  Its one thing to support your spouse, but, in my opinion, you should never support bad behavior or enable actions that do damage to others.  She might not ever change or give a fuck, but he is unwilling to even make an attempt, start an uncomfortable conversation which could help heal family bonds.

I lost a lot of respect for my father that day & I now want nothing to do with my step-mom.  I'm not sure if they really give a shit that their choices are negatively impacting relationships within the family.  My brother and I have had conversations about this, and he and my sister-in-law have somewhat distanced themselves in my opinion.  I'm done being upset about this.  Its sad, no doubt, but I would rather spend my energy loving my daughter and protecting her heart by showing her that I value her...that she has real worth.  I want to hear about what she did at recess or ate for lunch. I want to expel my energy validating her presence in my life and telling her that she is amazing & incredible & important then being angry with my step-mom and dad's terrible life choices.