Finding Joy In The Daily Grind

The fourth blog challenge topic is...

A Part Of My Everyday Routine That I Enjoy

The first thing that came to mind was reading to my daughter every night before bed.  I'm not going to over think this one, so that will be the topic of this blog post.

I have always read to my daughter.  I read to her while she still occupied space in the womb.  My parents did it for both my brother and I while we were growing up, so it is a tradition I gladly continue.  My daughter is starting to read on her own, so most nights she acts as the story teller now.  It tests my patience sometimes, but I am constantly amazed how quickly she is strengthening her reading skills.  So our evening adventures cuddled in bed with Wild Things, discovering the hardships of temporary fairies, deterring thieves with Frog Belly Rat Bone, or organizing dragon taco parties, is always the best part of my day.

If you were to visit my house in between cleanings, of course there would be the traditional clutter...toys, coats, hair ties, etc.  But the one thing that always seems to be a fixture around the house is stacks of books.  Stacks in the living room.  A pile on the bedside table.  Books on the kitchen table & on top of the refrigerator.  I am steadfast in my love of books & reading.  My bookshelves are overflowing and my Kindle library is robust.  This is a trait I have passed onto my daughter and her love of books truly rivals my own.  She has a floor organizer in her room bursting with all manner of books.  Hardback, paperback, pop-up, some with sounds, and even a few chapter books without many pictures.  I want to continue that love affair by encouraging her to read daily, encourage it by weekly trips to library.  At some point, her attention will shift to other things besides coloring books & Candy Land.  She will pick up different hobbies and discover other ways to occupy her time.  My only hope is that she never loses her love of reading.  That no matter what, she always makes time to read...even if its a few pages here and there.

Oh Darcy...you just get me.

Everyday Struggles

The third blog challenge topic is...

Something With Which I Struggle...

Struggle.  What a funny sounding word, yet its meaning is anything but.  Struggles are equal opportunity providers.  They don't care if you are rich or poor.  Intelligent or ignorant.  Black, white, male, or female.  Just like death and taxes, struggling is a part of everyone's lives...inescapable.  The degree to which we struggle is the only variable.

I've had my fair share, sometimes I think I've been given double portions.  Making ends meet financially,  self-confidence issues, achieving academically, relationships, and parenting are all on the high end of the challenge spectrum.  There are small-scale ones too.  Yard upkeep, eating my vegetables, getting to bed at a decent time,  & remembering to charge my phone.  The day-to-day stuff many times gets lost in the hustle and bustle, so much so that I sometimes forget that they are in fact struggles.

Trying to pick just one and then expand is difficult.  I decided to talk about one particular struggle that I hate more than anything.  A struggle I've dealt with since I was 18 years old.  Admitting is the first step right?  That is what people say anyway...so ladies and gentlemen:

My name is Kelly & I smoke cigarettes.

I've struggled with my nicotine habit my entire adult life and I fucking hate it.

 I was the only one in my small group of friends who didn't smoke.  I just didn't want to.  My mom smokes.  Both of my grandmothers smoked.  It is gross & smelly & just gross.  I started because I wanted to be Cool Girl.  You know what I'm talking about.  I started a friendship with a girl who was outside my core circle of friends and I was desperate for her to like me.  I thought if I smoked, like her, I would be better liked...more relate able.  It was dumb and naive.  My relationship with cigarettes has lasted a lot longer than that particular friendship ever did.  I've tried to quit multiple times.  I did in fact quit for well over a year when I was pregnant.  I've tried suckers, hard candy, the cold turkey approach, medication...one particular pill made me homicidal and want to murder my then husband.  None of it did the trick.

I don't think its the addiction to nicotine, instead I feel its the addiction to the self-soothing smoking provides.  Smoking calms my anxiety.  When I'm sad, mad, or any combination, I find that removing myself and smoking helps me settle down and "get my head right," so to speak.  Smoking is a balm, a way for me to cope with situations where I'm emotionally agitated or distraught.  The daily ritual part, first thing in morning-last thing before bed, is easy to break.  I know this because I've done it.  The 8 days I was in California I didn't smoke once...didn't even crave one.  It was a true shock and I was amazed.  I know it had to do with my state of mind/emotional well-being.  I was somewhere stress-free, surrounded by people I love and care about.  I was happy and having fun.  No drama whatsoever.  

My smoking addiction isn't dependence on nicotine, its rooted in my lack of coping skills.  If I work on developing ways to deal with my emotions, I'm sure I will kick the habit for good.  Its going to take work, and I might even need outside help, but with the proper tools I know smoking will be a thing of the past.

Best Anti-Smoking Ad Ever

 

Taking A Look Back

The second blog challenge topic is...

Something I Regret Not Doing Last Year

 Well, well, well.  Regret...you dirty, little soul-crusher, we are talking about you today.

Some might disagree, but I think having regrets is normal.  So, that's why when I hear people say, "I live without regrets, it's just the way I am," I giggle...possibly even fail at suppressing an eye roll.  Listen, I get where these people are coming from, and even I strive to live my life regret-free. But, I find it highly unlikely that you don't have a single regret tucked away somewhere.  I find it hard to believe you always have those uncomfortable conversations that you so don't want to have. Readily take leaps of faith when required.  Make decisions that scare you to your very core freely & without hesitation.  Even if you fail, you at least tried...and that's succeeding by default right?!  That's the moral of the story we've heard since childhood after all.

However, I'm still human.  I unabashedly admit I'm still scared shitless at times...rendered immobile, without the ability to use my big, dumb brain to form coherent thoughts.  It happens to the best of us, and there is no shame in admitting that. So I feel having regrets is really not a big deal, but of course there are stipulations.

Living a life constructed of regrets...bad.

Living a life crippled by regrets...also bad.

Living a life fueled by righting regrets...gray area.

Living your life learning from regrets...good.

I kind of struggled with this one.  I took a mental trip down memory lane, and came up with nothing.  Seriously, nothing...it was the sound of crickets in there. Maybe I need to take a daily vitamin to increase mental acuteness and increase memory. 

However, after thinking on it for longer than 2 minutes, I realized, in the absence of memory, I actually found the answer.

I didn't start conversations that mattered.  I didn't live outside my comfort zone...didn't take chances.  I made excuses for why I hadn't made scary life-decisions.  I holed up inside my house and my head, rarely venturing out.  Pretty sad if you really think about it.  So I guess the the thing I most regret about 2014 is the fact that I didn't do much living.  Sure I didn't neglect my daughter, job, personal hygiene, etc., but I did neglect myself in a number of ways.  I spent a large amount of the year passing time like some sort of wraith, some specter.  I was apart but always felt separate. I spent so much time being a slave to the monotony of my daily schedule.  I spent so much time just being scared.

Scared of failing.
Scared of change.
Scared of taking a chance.
Scared of ripping open my soul, displaying it fully in the hope it wouldn't be rejected.

Just this past weekend I took my daughter rollerskating for the first time.  She would not leave the carpeted area, and had a death-grip on me that seriously jeopardized the circulation of my right hand.  She kept saying to me, "I wish I could go out there (actual cement rink area)."  I looked at her and said, "Feel the fear, but do it anyway.  I'll be right here."  We made it off the carpet for approximately 45 seconds.  The moment her skates hit the cement, she completely freaked out & began flailing about, all the while crying hysterically.

So as I look back, I find it incredibly ironic that I can't follow my own advice.  My 5 year old exhibits more bravery than I do consistently, and it's always without much hesitation.  I so envy her.  I envy her zeal, her sense of adventure, her fortitude, and her trust, namely in me.  I envy her because I've realized I don't trust myself half as much as she does.  I think my lack of trust stems from fear.

It doesn't matter if it is small, stepping onto a skating rink for the first time, or large, starting back to college for the fourth time.  Regrets equal fear in my mind.  Every time I picture a particular regret of mine, I see the fear behind it.  I guess that is why I think regrets are normal, because fear is normal.  Telling someone not to be afraid is dumb.  That's like telling someone to not move away from an open flame, not to take that next breath, to not be human.  So the next time I'm confronted with fear, which could possibly result in regret, I will remind myself of the indomitable spirit of that kooky guy Skeletor...

Because...

Looking Toward the Future

The first blog challenge topic is...

Something I'm Looking Forward To This Year

Gawd...that is so broad & simplistic in nature.  Does it mean something specific, like a singular event?  Does mean something existential, like self-growth or emotional development?

Age of Ultron comes out this year and I'm totally looking forward to that badassery.

Squeee!!!!

However...I think we know I love Marvel movies so that's kind of an obvious answer, therefore I will write about something else.

Well in the short term...my best friend is driving from California to South Carolina at the end of this month.  She plans on stopping and staying one night at my house.  Even though I wish it would be a longer visit, I'm happy to see her and her family for any amount of time.  Being around her always improves my mood and well-being.  She reminds me what real, true friendship is and all others have paled in comparison.

Long term...proving myself wrong.  You read that right.  I have a sneaking suspicion that I will not follow-through with some promises I've made to myself.  I do not lack the desire to fulfill, but rather the drive.  It's crap I know, but sometimes I get in my own way.  Self-doubt trickles in.  I bargain and negotiate with myself.  Make excuses.  Procrastinate.  I think my saving grace this time is how incredibly unhappy I've become.  I've said it before, but I am being consumed by it...well, aspects of my life are being effected, not the whole thing.  I don't want to turn this into a "woe is me-emo manifesto," so I will spare you the details.  There are some big life changes I want to focus on this year and I've made the promise of working toward realizing those goals before the year's end.  I want to prove myself wrong by actually achieving a successful outcome, whatever shape it takes, instead of caving to the pressure like I've done countless times.

Hello 2015!

I'm pretty sure I'm in another funk.  You know what I'm talking about...

The last 2 months of 2014 were met with incredible highs, and debilitating lows for me.  Now that the holidays are done and my daughter has returned to school, my daily routine has stabilized once again.  I promised myself that I would not neglect this blog, and I am starting to do just that, all because I'm just not in a "good place," for lack of a better term.  I don't want to do it.  I really, really don't want to but somehow I'm lacking in proper motivation.  I was thinking on this very topic this morning and realized that maybe I need to do another blog challenge or something to get the 'ole creative juices flowing...that phrase grosses me out but it was the first thing that came to mind.

I searched Pinterest for challenge ideas & writing prompts & found one that might just do the trick.  Now, its one of those daily ones but I don't want to over-commit.  I think a more realistic goal is a weekly challenge, and, if I want to get truly crazy, maybe publish more than one a week.  We will see how it goes.

I can do this...

*Side note*  I always do the reading challenge on GoodReads...you set a goal for the number of books you want to read for the year, and the site tracks your progress.  Well I found this during the the aforementioned blog challenge search:

 

 

 

 

If Satan and my high school librarian had a baby...it would be this challenge

It's quite daunting, but I think I am going to incorporate some of these into this year's reading challenge.