Something I Regret Not Doing Last Year
Well, well, well. Regret...you dirty, little soul-crusher, we are talking about you today.
Some might disagree, but I think having regrets is normal. So, that's why when I hear people say, "I live without regrets, it's just the way I am," I giggle...possibly even fail at suppressing an eye roll. Listen, I get where these people are coming from, and even I strive to live my life regret-free. But, I find it highly unlikely that you don't have a single regret tucked away somewhere. I find it hard to believe you always have those uncomfortable conversations that you so don't want to have. Readily take leaps of faith when required. Make decisions that scare you to your very core freely & without hesitation. Even if you fail, you at least tried...and that's succeeding by default right?! That's the moral of the story we've heard since childhood after all.
Some might disagree, but I think having regrets is normal. So, that's why when I hear people say, "I live without regrets, it's just the way I am," I giggle...possibly even fail at suppressing an eye roll. Listen, I get where these people are coming from, and even I strive to live my life regret-free. But, I find it highly unlikely that you don't have a single regret tucked away somewhere. I find it hard to believe you always have those uncomfortable conversations that you so don't want to have. Readily take leaps of faith when required. Make decisions that scare you to your very core freely & without hesitation. Even if you fail, you at least tried...and that's succeeding by default right?! That's the moral of the story we've heard since childhood after all.
However, I'm still human. I unabashedly admit I'm still scared shitless at times...rendered immobile, without the ability to use my big, dumb brain to form coherent thoughts. It happens to the best of us, and there is no shame in admitting that. So I feel having regrets is really not a big deal, but of course there are stipulations.
Living a life constructed of regrets...bad.
Living a life crippled by regrets...also bad.
Living a life fueled by righting regrets...gray area.
Living your life learning from regrets...good.
I kind of struggled with this one. I took a mental trip down memory lane, and came up with nothing. Seriously, nothing...it was the sound of crickets in there. Maybe I need to take a daily vitamin to increase mental acuteness and increase memory.
However, after thinking on it for longer than 2 minutes, I realized, in the absence of memory, I actually found the answer.
I didn't start conversations that mattered. I didn't live outside my comfort zone...didn't take chances. I made excuses for why I hadn't made scary life-decisions. I holed up inside my house and my head, rarely venturing out. Pretty sad if you really think about it. So I guess the the thing I most regret about 2014 is the fact that I didn't do much living. Sure I didn't neglect my daughter, job, personal hygiene, etc., but I did neglect myself in a number of ways. I spent a large amount of the year passing time like some sort of wraith, some specter. I was apart but always felt separate. I spent so much time being a slave to the monotony of my daily schedule. I spent so much time just being scared.
Scared of failing.
Scared of change.
Scared of taking a chance.
Scared of ripping open my soul, displaying it fully in the hope it wouldn't be rejected.
Just this past weekend I took my daughter rollerskating for the first time. She would not leave the carpeted area, and had a death-grip on me that seriously jeopardized the circulation of my right hand. She kept saying to me, "I wish I could go out there (actual cement rink area)." I looked at her and said, "Feel the fear, but do it anyway. I'll be right here." We made it off the carpet for approximately 45 seconds. The moment her skates hit the cement, she completely freaked out & began flailing about, all the while crying hysterically.
So as I look back, I find it incredibly ironic that I can't follow my own advice. My 5 year old exhibits more bravery than I do consistently, and it's always without much hesitation. I so envy her. I envy her zeal, her sense of adventure, her fortitude, and her trust, namely in me. I envy her because I've realized I don't trust myself half as much as she does. I think my lack of trust stems from fear.
It doesn't matter if it is small, stepping onto a skating rink for the first time, or large, starting back to college for the fourth time. Regrets equal fear in my mind. Every time I picture a particular regret of mine, I see the fear behind it. I guess that is why I think regrets are normal, because fear is normal. Telling someone not to be afraid is dumb. That's like telling someone to not move away from an open flame, not to take that next breath, to not be human. So the next time I'm confronted with fear, which could possibly result in regret, I will remind myself of the indomitable spirit of that kooky guy Skeletor...
Because...
I didn't start conversations that mattered. I didn't live outside my comfort zone...didn't take chances. I made excuses for why I hadn't made scary life-decisions. I holed up inside my house and my head, rarely venturing out. Pretty sad if you really think about it. So I guess the the thing I most regret about 2014 is the fact that I didn't do much living. Sure I didn't neglect my daughter, job, personal hygiene, etc., but I did neglect myself in a number of ways. I spent a large amount of the year passing time like some sort of wraith, some specter. I was apart but always felt separate. I spent so much time being a slave to the monotony of my daily schedule. I spent so much time just being scared.
Scared of failing.
Scared of change.
Scared of taking a chance.
Scared of ripping open my soul, displaying it fully in the hope it wouldn't be rejected.
Just this past weekend I took my daughter rollerskating for the first time. She would not leave the carpeted area, and had a death-grip on me that seriously jeopardized the circulation of my right hand. She kept saying to me, "I wish I could go out there (actual cement rink area)." I looked at her and said, "Feel the fear, but do it anyway. I'll be right here." We made it off the carpet for approximately 45 seconds. The moment her skates hit the cement, she completely freaked out & began flailing about, all the while crying hysterically.
So as I look back, I find it incredibly ironic that I can't follow my own advice. My 5 year old exhibits more bravery than I do consistently, and it's always without much hesitation. I so envy her. I envy her zeal, her sense of adventure, her fortitude, and her trust, namely in me. I envy her because I've realized I don't trust myself half as much as she does. I think my lack of trust stems from fear.
It doesn't matter if it is small, stepping onto a skating rink for the first time, or large, starting back to college for the fourth time. Regrets equal fear in my mind. Every time I picture a particular regret of mine, I see the fear behind it. I guess that is why I think regrets are normal, because fear is normal. Telling someone not to be afraid is dumb. That's like telling someone to not move away from an open flame, not to take that next breath, to not be human. So the next time I'm confronted with fear, which could possibly result in regret, I will remind myself of the indomitable spirit of that kooky guy Skeletor...
Because...
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