Background Music

The twelfth blog challenge topic is...

A Band/Musical Artist That Has Impacted My Life...

 I love music and my taste is quite varied.  I don't really think there has been one band or one artist that has significantly impacted my life.  Like I said, I love music, but it has not been integral to shaping my life...its been more like a pleasant accompaniment.  Even though I can't say that this particular album got me through my angsty teenage years, or that this particular singer inspired me to go on an epic road trip, it does have the ability to drudge up memories.

Michael Jackson's Thriller album....my mom would put this on when I was a kid while cleaning the house on the weekends.

Top Gun soundtrack...one of my brother's favorites so I had to endure it, a lot.

Garth Brooks & Shania Twain...some of my earliest memories after moving to Texas involve their music, usually in the truck on the way to Ruidoso.

Ace of Base's The Sign album...Jesus.  This freaking album.  I think you would be hard pressed to find any girl my age who didn't listen to this album on repeat.  I think of this album and I think of being on a school bus traveling to out-of-town games or golf tournaments.

Nine Inch Nails...listened to them in high school, a lot.  This was the angst I mentioned earlier.

Theory of a Dead Man, Breaking Benjamin, Shinedown, Chevelle....my mid 20's.  My recall isn't the greatest because of booze.

My ex-husband prior to divorce....Dig by Incubus

My ex-husband post divorce...Fake It by Seether

I've been listening to the My Little Pony: Rainbow Rocks soundtrack on repeat in the car.  It is my daughter's current obsession and now we both know all the lyrics by heart as well as engaged in some amazing singalongs.  When I'm child-free, its Fall Out Boy & Taylor Swift's latest albums.  I'm pretty sure I have more Fall Out Boy then anything in my iTunes library.  A recent situation caused me to resurrect some old favorites...Blue October's Hate Me in particular.

Dear God this post is a disjointed train wreck, lol...far from the intended topic but I honestly don't give a shit.

Great People + Me = Beautiful Life

The eleventh blog challenge topic is...

Someone Who Makes My Life Worth Living...

Easy one...my kid.  I've talked about my daughter a lot over the course of this blog.  I honestly don't think I need to devote an entire post to reiterating all the wonderful things about her, what she means to me, and how she enriches my life.

So...instead, I thought that I would mention a few others that are special to me in their own unique ways & also make my life worth living.

1.  My Mom:  The woman almost gave birth to me in the passenger floorboard of my Grandparent's car...that alone entitles her a top place of honor.  But its more than that.  She's a survivor.  She has never lost her compassion.  She has always loved & supported me...even when I didn't make her particularly proud.  I know I made her cry, a lot.  She always put us first, and carried us longer than nine months.  I never imagined the sheer weight of being a parent, how could I?  The fear, panic, stress, sleepless nights & gray hairs.  Her indomitable spirit is truly inspiring.  So thanks Mom. Thanks for being you, guiding me, and always giving me that last piece of cake...even though you wanted it just as much as I did.

2. My best friend:  You are nuts...but I love you & will stick by you even if it means I have to help you bury a body.  There is truly nothing I wouldn't share with you due to my complete trust in your loyalty.  You've taken part in my highs and witnessed me hit rock bottom.  You never abandoned me, instead, you took my problems onto yourself so I didn't have to suffer alone.  We've raised our kids together, shared secrets & laughs, and we've always been each others cheerleaders...supporting one another with love and gentle honesty.

3.  My future husband:  We haven't met yet, or have and just don't know it.  I strive each day to better myself in order to be ready to receive your love.  Past relationships have made me weary of starting again, but with you I know it will be different.  That thought drives me and I look forward to the day our love story begins.

A Peek At My Bucket List

The tenth blog challenge topic is...

Some Things On My Bucket List...

Bucket lists are interesting in the way that they are ever evolving.  They aren't set in stone and are able to progress & change as a person grows.  I've never sat down, put pen to paper, and compiled a tangible list.  Mine has always been a mental one, mostly consisting of places I want to visit.  I fear it would be too lengthy to list it in its entirety, so I will just discuss 5 or so things that top it.

Visit the Smithsonian

The opportunity to visit Washington D.C. arose when I was in high school.  I was unfortunately unable to go due to financial reasons.  I was really bummed.  I love museums.  Natural History museums being my favorite.  We all know that place is massive...its not nicknamed "The Nation's Attic" for nothing.  I would definitely want to devote more than one day to my visit.

Take a hot air balloon ride

I honestly don't know why this appeals to me...just seems like a cool thing to do.

Visit Greece

Oh my God the history!  It has always been a dream to visit Athens in particular.  I got a taste of ancient history when I visited Rome, but Greek history has always been a personal favorite.

Learn Ballroom Dancing 

I just love the idea of it...the elegance.  It reminds me of a time so very different where people, their interactions, were formal & refined...in a way.  I guess I'm in love with the idea of civility, refinement, and societal protocols.  *If that makes sense*

Move to Scotland or Ireland

I'm equally in love with the idea of living in Scotland or Ireland.  I mentioned in an earlier blog that I would leave the States if ever an opportunity came about to live in London (read here).  I think I might struggle with the sheer size of London, not being a big fan of hugely populated cities, but I would still totally move there.  There is this word, Fernweh, its German and it translates roughly to a homesickness for a place you've never been.  I feel like I have that with these two countries.  I can't quite articulate it, but I have a great desire to live there.

Ireland

Scotland

 

Cha-Cha Change!

The ninth blog challenge topic is...

Something I Hope To Change About Myself & Why...

I've recently spoken of a couple of things that would fit into this self-change category nicely, quit smoking (read here), follow-through on changes I want to make in my life (read here),  and if you've read any of my posts from previous years there's mention of other stuff.

However, I'm all about admitting my short-comings and fuck-ups...so I will focus on something entirely fresh & new! *groan, eye-roll combo*


The first thing that came to mind makes me really uncomfortable talking about...so guess that's our winner!

Something I hope to change is how I feel incredibly lonely a great deal of the time.

I'm not simply talking about in the romantic sense, because that isn't the only way I've felt lonely.  It's true that I haven't had a boyfriend since my divorce, hell, I've only been on one date, I think it was a date, in over 2 years.  But, I'm talking about a deep-rooted loneliness that stems from my lack of romance, social & familial bonding.

I have friends, some of the best in my opinion.  However, those that live locally, I rarely see and definitely spend little to no time with.  They have husbands or a boyfriend.  Some have kids.  They all work full-time.  Bottom line...both our lives are chock-full of responsibilities and obligations so it makes hanging out somewhat difficult.  But, to take it a step further, these girls (the 4 that live close by) have all been in each others lives since high school, most time all residing in the same town.  It is almost clique-ish, and I don't mean that in a shitty way because that word normally has a negative connotation.  The truth is that even if they know me & like me or whatever...I'm not in the group.  I understand why I've gotten left out of nights out or backyard BBQs and I'm not bitter about it.  I'm just kind of sad because I genuinely have a blast with them.  I know that if I want to change this, I need to initiate outings instead of just sitting around waiting for an invitation.

To say my family relationships are strained is a massive understatement.  Not all, but a few.  Recent developments have even broken one.  I think that one is beyond repair...but if it does get mended, I know it will never be the same.  This strain isn't only due to us working together, but that does impact it significantly.  What can I do right?  I need this job or I will default on my mortgage and a hundred other things.  All I know is that I am working toward bettering myself so I can quit and find something that I'm passionate about.  I'm grateful for the opportunity and aid they have given me in addition to this job, but I have to get some fucking separation or I will completely lose my mind.  This tension and my murdery thoughts make it almost impossible to spend time together outside of work.  I seriously don't want to see them.  I don't want to have dinner with them, and sometimes I don't even want to have a conversation with them.  This alienation adds to my loneliness and is the most painful.  The only solution here is for me to find other employment.  I've tried other tactics, none of them worked and I almost got fired at one point.  Quitting won't be a fix-all, but it will alleviate a ton of stress and maybe salvage what relationship we have left.

On the romance side, well to be honest, is beginning to feel hopeless.  Don't get me wrong, I'm OK not having a man in my life.  I'm happy and feel good about myself in ways I've never felt before.  But, its lonely sometimes.  I just want to be able to share my days with someone on a level that can't be achieved with my kid or friends or family.  I just don't know what to do.  I guess I need to "put myself out there" or something.  I just don't like the traditional ways: set-ups, bars, dating websites...so maybe that is exactly what I should do.  I'm just getting more and more awesome weird as I age.  I'm too shy & awkward & self-conscious...the dating world was hard enough in my teens and 20's.  It will probably eat me alive now.  An uncomfortable truth is that I'm still hung up on That Guy (read here).   I know, I know...don't judge, I have a real weakness for that man. What can I say, we've made progress?!  He has shown more effort and we continue to talk regularly.  I just don't know what to do with him.

I know I need to make some changes, some more profound & significant than others, in order to better round out my life.  I'm happy and healthy in many ways, but I believe improvements can always be made.