Something I Hope To Change About Myself & Why...
I've recently spoken of a couple of things that would fit into this self-change category nicely, quit smoking (read here), follow-through on changes I want to make in my life (read here), and if you've read any of my posts from previous years there's mention of other stuff.
However, I'm all about admitting my short-comings and fuck-ups...so I will focus on something entirely fresh & new! *groan, eye-roll combo*
The first thing that came to mind makes me really uncomfortable talking about...so guess that's our winner!
Something I hope to change is how I feel incredibly lonely a great deal of the time.
I'm not simply talking about in the romantic sense, because that isn't the only way I've felt lonely. It's true that I haven't had a boyfriend since my divorce, hell, I've only been on one date, I think it was a date, in over 2 years. But, I'm talking about a deep-rooted loneliness that stems from my lack of romance, social & familial bonding.
I have friends, some of the best in my opinion. However, those that live locally, I rarely see and definitely spend little to no time with. They have husbands or a boyfriend. Some have kids. They all work full-time. Bottom line...both our lives are chock-full of responsibilities and obligations so it makes hanging out somewhat difficult. But, to take it a step further, these girls (the 4 that live close by) have all been in each others lives since high school, most time all residing in the same town. It is almost clique-ish, and I don't mean that in a shitty way because that word normally has a negative connotation. The truth is that even if they know me & like me or whatever...I'm not in the group. I understand why I've gotten left out of nights out or backyard BBQs and I'm not bitter about it. I'm just kind of sad because I genuinely have a blast with them. I know that if I want to change this, I need to initiate outings instead of just sitting around waiting for an invitation.
To say my family relationships are strained is a massive understatement. Not all, but a few. Recent developments have even broken one. I think that one is beyond repair...but if it does get mended, I know it will never be the same. This strain isn't only due to us working together, but that does impact it significantly. What can I do right? I need this job or I will default on my mortgage and a hundred other things. All I know is that I am working toward bettering myself so I can quit and find something that I'm passionate about. I'm grateful for the opportunity and aid they have given me in addition to this job, but I have to get some fucking separation or I will completely lose my mind. This tension and my murdery thoughts make it almost impossible to spend time together outside of work. I seriously don't want to see them. I don't want to have dinner with them, and sometimes I don't even want to have a conversation with them. This alienation adds to my loneliness and is the most painful. The only solution here is for me to find other employment. I've tried other tactics, none of them worked and I almost got fired at one point. Quitting won't be a fix-all, but it will alleviate a ton of stress and maybe salvage what relationship we have left.
On the romance side, well to be honest, is beginning to feel hopeless. Don't get me wrong, I'm OK not having a man in my life. I'm happy and feel good about myself in ways I've never felt before. But, its lonely sometimes. I just want to be able to share my days with someone on a level that can't be achieved with my kid or friends or family. I just don't know what to do. I guess I need to "put myself out there" or something. I just don't like the traditional ways: set-ups, bars, dating websites...so maybe that is exactly what I should do. I'm just getting more and more
I know I need to make some changes, some more profound & significant than others, in order to better round out my life. I'm happy and healthy in many ways, but I believe improvements can always be made.
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