Sorry for not posting everyday, but life is chaotic with house guests and the holidays…
I am currently worrying about life…money, work, my kid, the new year, etc. It is so very hard to narrow it down and expand on just one worry. I am a worrier by nature. I worry about if I worry too much. I hate it, and I've gotten a bit better with age, but that is just the way I am.
I'm a single mom, one paycheck to sustain my lifestyle, which was established prior to my divorce. I get occasional money from my side business, but it really isn't much. I worry constantly about making my bills and still putting some back for emergencies.
Work is retarded right now. There is immense unrest/turmoil right now among many of the employees. I guess when my dad gets home from vacation we will see how it plays out. I have a feeling there will be more than one disgruntled employee around the office.
I always worry about my daughter…that will never go away.
I am worried about the new year. I worry that it will be just like the last. I worry that I will continue to perpetuate my unhappiness with my personal life. I worry that I will be confronted with more unfortunate events, and who knows what else.
I hate worrying because it's basis is normally fixed in the future, on future events. I don't like looking too far into the future because it limits your presence in the present. You can only control what you can control, and I can't control the future.
Maybe I should make my New Year's Resolution to stop worrying so much?!
1. Fart I'm 33 years old and can not say this word with a straight face. 2. Moist I hate this word but it makes me giggle every time I hear it. 3. "So this bitch…" Anytime someone starts a story this way, it hardly ever turns out not funny. 4. "I'm a Vegan." The phrase is not what's funny…it's messing with the person that gives me enjoyment. 5. "Hey! Watch This!" Some of the best/funniest stories start this way.
So I have family in town for the holidays…seeing as I don't want to spend a lot of time on the computer, I will be making these next few posts short and to the point.
Something I miss, hmmm…. I miss teleporting. You know when you're a kid and you fall asleep somewhere and wake up in bed. I totally miss that. I miss not having so many responsibilities & having less stress. Ignorance truly is bliss. I miss cheap gas prices. I miss living across the street from my best friend. I *sometimes* miss the days before cell phones. No one really talks to anyone anymore. Everyone has their heads down nowadays and avoids face-to-face conversations too much. I could probably rattle off a few more if I sit here long enough, but I think I've done this post justice. I'm going to go spend time with family and I really hope all of you out there had a fantastic Christmas & I wish you all a Happy New Year!
My academic history is kind of a sore spot for me due to my love of learning. I one day hope to return to college and finish out what I started so long ago. I graduated high school. I attended a local college on a Journalism scholarship and wrote for their newspaper. Moved out of state and took a few years off. Attended a college located in the town I lived in, majoring in chemical engineering. After taking all the classes I could there, I transferred to a larger state school and switched to petroleum engineering. Moved back to Texas and started attending a small state school extension campus, which didn't offer engineering degrees, so I double majored in Geology & Chemistry. Quit school to move overseas after I got married, and have not re-enrolled in college since returning. When I do go back, I know that I will go in a completely different direction. I really want to major in History or Literature. I love science and physics but I am very passionate about history as well as writing/books. I don't know when I will have spare time to devote to furthering my education, but I know that it is one dream I will try my best to realize.
I don't like to hypothesize about my future because you can't truly live in the present if you constantly look forward. All I know is that my future is going to be what I make it. I will keep those I love and care about close. Laugh often and as much as I can. Continue to enjoy what I'm dealt, fulling knowing that there is going to be some bullshit thrown in there. Fight everyday to live a life I'm proud of…that's it. The future is going to be what it's going to be.
Fuck those fuckers and their fucking Satan tentacles of Doom.
Why hello there, I'm Mr. Jellyfish. I'm beautiful & also a huge asshole.
This image will haunt me forever
Mother of God...
I'm pretty sure this post is supposed to be about existential fears, not irrational ones…
Well I'm a parent so this is kind of a no-brainer. I am always full of fear for my daughter. I fear that she will be hurt or killed. I fear that she will be emotionally stunted or damaged I fear that she will suffer mental turmoil. I fear that I won't adequately prepare her for life. I fear that she will not be happy. I fear that she will not prosper. I fear that she will become a terrible person because I didn't do enough. I fear that she will never know the extent of my love for her. I fear the day that she must bury me & I will not be there to console her. I could go on & on but my biggest fear is that I will fail her.
Some of those are kind of illogical, but I fear them no less.
I fear never finding true love. I just want to pour my soul out on someone and not have to worry about the mess it makes. I fear that I will live a life I am not proud of. We fight & strive everyday, but we are but human. We are all fallible. I fear that I will never know career contentment. I fear that I my own fear will keep me from facilitating many of my dreams into fruition. Our whole lives we hear others or tell ourselves "don't be afraid," and it is only now that I'm realizing how stupid that is. Don't be afraid?! Really?! That's like saying "don't move out of the way of that bullet/speeding car" or "don't withdraw from the heat of a flame" or "don't take a breath." Don't be human. I'm afraid & you're afraid & we're always going to possess fear because it's inherent. What we should be telling ourselves and others is "be afraid, but do it anyway." Embrace those fears instead of allowing them to cripple us…have a healthy respect for those fears, but live anyway.
1. Clothes: Namely cardigans, tank tops & blue jeans. I do not have huge closets in my house, it was built in the '50's, but if I took just my jeans & tank tops, they would fill up an entire closet. I know it's a problem, but I can't stop. 2. Coffee I think a lot of people can relate here. 3. Cookie Cutters You know you have a problem when you have to buy plastic totes to better organize and divide them up by category. 4. Nutella Again, I think a lot of people can relate. 5. Books Whether it be ebooks or paperbacks, I need them for reasons.
Well apparently I've had a problem keeping up with this blog…
That's not what I am going to talk about though, because that would be boring. Instead, I guess I'm going to tell you that the problem I have, that I hate the most, is that I always manage to get emotionally involved way to fast…in regards to guys. We could sit here and psychologically analyze that problem all day, but I would really rather not. I have a feeling I know what prompts me to do this, where this problem stems from, but I don't want to explore that today, or ever. Far more times than I would like to count, I have found myself investing my emotions in men only to get disappointed and marginally heartbroken. Now that I have my daughter and am newly single again, I know that I cannot be the same woman in any future relationships. I am committed to rectifying this problem because I want to set a better example for my daughter. I want her to see me as a strong, independent woman full of self-respect who loves herself first. A woman that does need a man, any man, to feel whole & loved. I do not want a string of men running through her life, because, psychologically, that could do irreparable damage. I love to love...in all its forms. I possess genuine kindness and compassion for those close to me. It has gotten me quite a bit of heartache in the past, but I would rather deal with a bit of pain than shut myself off. I've been emotionally slutty and that must stop. I've learned quite a bit about myself in the past 2 or so years, and I am very different in many ways. I value myself more. I love myself more. I deserve more than cheap flattery and empty adoration. I will not settle or be blinded, not anymore. I want my daughter to love herself and know her value prior to getting involved romantically. But ultimately, I want her to know that a strong sense of self-worth and romantic relationships are not mutually exclusive. In order for her to know that, understand it, I believe it starts with the example I set.
So I missed yesterday's post…oops I had a really full day yesterday, and then was finally able to go see the second Hobbit movie installment last night…which was awesome. I will try and catch up ASAP.
Something I'm proud of...this was not easy. I'm pretty humble and always find myself down-playing accomplishments. It's just my nature. It was pretty easy to think of stuff that I'm not proud of, that's for sure. I hate that, it should be the other way around right?!
Anyway...
The truth is, I'm just really proud that I've managed to live the life I have been dealt. It hasn't always been easy. I've had many struggles, internal & external. I've come up against great odds & adversaries, all of which I have overcome. I've had disappointments & failures. I've had pain & suffering. I've had a lot of crap thrown at me, but I've never given up and played the victim. I've never quit, never given up, and never refused to live or participate in life. It's easy to quit when life doesn't go your way or the way you want it to go. It's hard to be challenged, and it's even harder to rise up and prevail. I guess I saw what I had, namely friends and family, and knew it was worth it to keep going when I felt beat-down. I have been blessed in so many other areas of my life that giving up would just be ridiculous. I knew I was not a quitter and I wanted to live a life that has real meaning & possessed contentment. I feel I couldn't have that unless I worked for it and overcame obstacles or strife.
That's it, but I guess if you want a specific example: I'm proud that pushed a human-being out of my vagina after being in labor for 21 hours. Technically, I had to have some assistance because Gigantor, aka my daughter, got stuck. That shit is no joke and I have never been more exhausted in my life...and I'm pretty sure I will never experience that level of physical fatigue again.
I think it's really easy to sit and relive past events and imagine them playing out differently. I think we all fall victim to that trap more than we like to admit. The old adage "Hindsight is 20/20" is so very true. Looking back at a situation is bad enough, but envisioning what your life might be if you had made a different decision is usually even more painful. It serves no purpose other than to cause emotionally upheaval and despondency. I try not to, but I'm guilty of looking back and wondering what could have been, in multiple situations, on occasion.
One particular event is extremely private as well as painful. I don't share this part of my past lightly, but part of the reason I started this blog is that my words, thoughts, & experiences might help someone who happens to read my posts. So I've made the decision to share it.
When I was 18 I started dating a guy who was charming & funny & a bit of a bad boy. He was three years older than me and I was hopelessly naive. Well, long story short, I gave up a full-ride college scholarship, moved out-of-state away from all my family, settled for a shitty job all because I thought I loved him. Throughout our 3 year relationship I missed or denied seeing tons of "red flags." He abused alcohol and, I later found out, drugs as well. What started out joyous, young love turned into an abusive relationship. I always wonder if I had left him, or called the police the first time he hit me, what my life would be like now…I wonder if I would be a different version of the woman I am today. It's a dangerous thing to linger in one's memory sometimes. You can make yourself an emotional/mental wreck if you spend all your energy reliving your past. This particular part of my past I rarely visit. Usually I am only there if something triggers a memory. I don't like going there because I am forced to remember how weak I was. I have to remember how little I thought of myself. I won't ever be that girl again, the girl who was too ashamed/scared to call the police because she thought that she deserved the treatment she was receiving. I won't ever be the girl whose mother, who lived in a completely different state, had to call the police to report the crime because she knew that her daughter lacked the strength.
What if I had stood up for myself?
What if I had possessed a higher degree of self-worth?
What if I hadn't fell for his tricks, lies & manipulations?
What if…what if…what if?
Do you see what I mean when I say it is not good to ask ourselves "what if?" It serves no purpose…the past is not going to change. It is not conducive to moving forward…you can't live in the present if you're constantly imagining different scenarios or hypothetical outcomes. All I do know is if I had stood up to him it could have ended very badly, I mean he threatened to kill more times than I care to admit. He could have left me and I would have been free to move on & have a completely different life. A million different possible outcomes could have happened if I had stood up for myself or just left. Maybe I was meant to walk that path, meant to endure that pain and suffering because there was a lesson I was supposed to learn. Maybe not. Maybe I was just stupid. I don't know and I no longer care.
That man broke me. He broke me at a very young age and I was left scarred, devastated, humiliated, and full of shame & regret. He broke my very soul but it was me who picked up all the pieces and remade myself. I haven't been lucky in love since that relationship, but I'll be damned if I ever let a man treat & debase me that way ever again. I pay closer attention. I don't let the euphoria of lust/love/new feelings cloud my vision to seeing clear indicators that I learned about the hard way. If you take anything from this post, I hope you take this advice: Don't dwell in the past…just don't do it. You could miss out on living, because, after all, we are meant to live in the present. The past serves only as a reminder, a place to visit, it's not meant to be a permanent residence.
Woo hoo!I’ve
hit the half-way point for this particular blog challenge and that’s awesome.
Today’s post is about whether or not I think my
zodiac/horoscope is fairly accurate in regards to my personality and
whatnot.I’ve never put much thought into those things.I’ve read them if
they were readily accessible, but never sought them out and planned my life
around what they said/advised.They always kind of struck me as “broad brush” or could apply to
anything or anyone.But, anyway, I
did a quick search and here is what I found…
First up, overall personality profile
Well, that is scary accurate…
Moving on to love-life
Umm, yeah OK, also accurate.
How Libras tend to be in work-related situations
Well shit…
Libras when upset
That is 100% me.
Well, it looks like these Libra profiles describe me pretty
well.However, I don’t/won’t put
much stock into them.They are fun
to read from time to time, but that is all I really see them as…entertainment,
usually at the back of a magazine in your dentist’s office.
For just a little bonus & I was bored, I did one of
those personality test things yesterday *I think* so I’m going to
include that too because why not?!
I have had body-image issues my whole life. I led a very active life, playing 4 sports and eating healthy-ish, but I still never loved my body. I didn't exactly hate it though either. I guess I just had self-confidence issues that I labelled body-image issues because it was easier to bitch about my less-than flat stomach than address the core problem…I didn't think very highly of myself.
And, it is hard. So damn hard when we are constantly inundated by mainstream imagery of gorgeous women with itty-bitty waists, perfect bone structure, shiny, bouncy hair & always impeccably dressed. I fall victim to envy all the time. As I've aged, however, I am less susceptible to it lingering and ruling my thoughts. I guess I've learned the value of a person isn't/shouldn't be based by our outward appearances. It's good to take pride in oneself. It's good to dress-up and wear lipgloss now and then. But if all you have is good looks and a fantastic wardrobe, I think that makes for quite the dull person. Perfection does get weary.
As of right now, I have a love-hate relationship with my body. I get told all the time that I'm too thin and I need to eat more cheeseburgers. Well, I am thin. I am almost 5'9" and have always been somewhat thin. The way I'm built, I will never have curves unless I go and buy some. I am ok with that, I embrace it even. I don't need double d's and a Kardashian ass to feel good about myself. I've had a kid, and that has taken a toll on my body. Some days I look at my stretch marks, loose skin, wider hips & post-baby boobs and kind of get sad. It doesn't last long though. I look at my daughter and realize that each stretch mark, that skin that didn't quite tighten back up, is totally worth it. Each mark is a reminder that I created life. Each breath she took, every kick & roll, every hiccup, and every beat of her heart was worth it, and if I have to have tiger stripes and less-than-perky boobs, I am content with paying that price. I'm far from perfect. I could have a flatter stomach, clearer skin, whiter teeth, better hair, etc. But, at least I don't have an ugly heart.
It really doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don't really see ourselves. We don't watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don't see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don't see yourself looking at someone with love & care inside your heart. There's no mirror in your way when you're laughing & smiling & happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself. You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories you consume. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little black dress. You are no amalgam of these things.
You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for friends you surround yourself with, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but the for the volume of the soul it carries. And, you know what's really appealing, powerfully sexy? *Personal opinion of course* A sense of humor. A taste for adventure. A healthy glow. Hips to grab on to. Openness. Confidence. Humility. Appetite. Intuition. Smart-ass comebacks. Presence. A quick wit. Dirty jokes told by innocent-looking people.
So as hard as it is, we must start to love ourselves first. If we don't love who we are, there will always be a void within that no amount of make-up, work-outs, plastic surgery, or designer clothes will ever fill.
I stumbled across this video sometime ago and have seen it pop up on my FaceBook news feed a couple times. I can honestly say that I have never watched a movie, television show, or video that has impacted me more than this one. It is extremely powerful & very profound & I encourage all women to take 6 minutes out of your day and watch it. I'm glad I did.
I find it ridiculously ironic that today is the "My Family" blog post seeing as my own little family was legally dissolved today. That's right, I received my finalized divorce decree all signed & notarized & everything today when I came home for lunch. Maybe it's coincidence, or maybe I just needed a very blatant, in your face, reminder that I have so many who love and support me on this day, a very emotionally charged day. Well my family is incredible. The two sides are like photo negatives of one another. One very small, the other very large. One is very involved in each other's lives, the other kind of does its own thing. We all love one another, but the two sides are very different in other ways. I don't have a recent picture of my mom's side. There are only about 20 of us in total. Out of those, I only am close to the Colorado ones…5 family members. The others are here in Texas. I haven't spoken to the Texas ones in, I don't, 15 years maybe?! We're just not like that with one another. I think when my great grandma died everyone was finally free to parade their hostilities out in the open and have nothing to do with one another. There is, obviously, discord between my grandmother and her brother and sister. This is the best I could do of the Colorado family. The only ones are missing are my uncle, cousin & grandmother.
Yummm…chili dogs
My dad's side is huge, but they are Catholic so that should explain quite a bit. Just counting my grandparents and their line, there are over 60 of us…that does not include extended family. That is a whole lot of family, let me assure you. The majority lives in Nebraska, with others in Iowa, Oklahoma, Maryland, & here in Texas. We are loud, chaotic, someone is always in "a fight" with someone, and we always have tons of food & beer. And, I love it. 16 people are missing from the following picture, 2 babies have been born since it was taken, & 2 cousins are set to be married in the next year.
Catholicism + no cable = my family
I love every single member of my family dearly and am thankful that I have been blessed with so many amazing, supportive, crazy funny, caring family members!
Due to the disastrous day 2 blog, Twinkie Rant 2013 how I feel strongly about the need to never stop learning, I think dedicating an entire post to the importance of education would be a little redundant. Instead…I will just tell you how stoked I am that the third season of BBC's Sherlock will be starting soon. It's been 2 years Moffat, the fandom would have probably started rioting if you guys hadn't announced the premier date…and that bloodshed would have been on your hands. It is entirely possible for you to learn neat things if you watch the show, and this is supposed to be a post about education….ergo, here you go.
Treating my body like the temple that it is, I had copious amounts of coffee, cherry Coke, and nachos today….and I'm not kidding. Instead of detailing my meals and providing Instagram-type pictures like some hipster asshole, I decided to showcase all the food I've made in the last couple of days. I work full-time for the family business, but in my spare time I own/operate a dessert business out of my home kitchen. Christmas baking is in full swing around here and this blog challenge offered the perfect opportunity to inform you all about what I've been up too as of late. First up: Peppermint Meringue Cookies
Light & airy with a perfect amount of pepperminty goodness & crunch
Caramel-Nut Popcorn
Really tasty due to the orange zest with lends a citrus layer of flavor
Marble Espresso-Walnut Chocolate Bark
Chocolate + Espresso = Sugar Nirvana
Cardamon-Molasses Cookies
If you like gingerbread, you would probably love these too. The cardamon really lends an unique spicy flavor complimented by the sugary molasses.
Gingerbread Bear Cookies *my daughter assisted with these bad boys*
4 year old logic: A bedazzled eyepatch…ok. Toothpick peg leg…not ok.
I know I will be baking constantly for the next few weeks and I am looking forward to every minute of it!
